Mayhem breaks out on campus as students race with stolen golf carts. graphic by Emma Palmer

Students arrested for playing IRL Mario Kart

The students caused absolute chaos recreating the popular racing game.

Chaos broke out on campus last Tuesday as five students stole five university golf carts, allegedly intending to play IRL Mario Kart.
The five students went by unnoticed as they stole, or as one student later claimed “borrowed,” the golf carts from the side of the ACAC. It wasn’t until they started their race that the carts were even noticed to be missing.

The race began on Sorority Row and ended at the Hurricane Plaza where the students stole the carts. The start of the race was announced by a speaker playing the signature Mario Kart music along with countdown.
The students drew attention to themselves as they began “revving” their golf cart engines in an attempt to “rocket start,” as the characters do in the game. It should be noted that golf cart engines are not made to be revved.

Campus security sighted the spectacle just as the race commenced. Their only option, other than jumping the curb with their suburbans, was to jump onto the nearest Limes and take off! Despite this quick thinking, the Mario Kart wannabes already had a good lead on the campus security.

The golf cart racers made a hard left in front of the library. So hard, according to an eyewitness, that the cart made the turn on two wheels. I believe it, because there is now a giant skid mark on the “racetrack.”

Campus security started to gain on the racers, but the racers paid no attention to them as they were too determined on getting that Victory Royale.

The racers were pretty much neck and neck until one student began throwing banana peels at his opponents. The race then became a slippery slope, literally. The student just kept throwing banana after banana at his fellow racers.

Another eyewitness said, “I have never seen so many bananas in my entire life. He got to the point where he wasn’t even looking at who he was throwing his ammo at. He pelted the students studying in the shaded area by Sharp Chapel. The entire situation was utterly un-appeeling.”

It has been confirmed by the banana-chucking student’s roommate that he has been hoarding bananas from the Pat Case Dining Center for the past two weeks. “Yeah, every day he’d go to the caf, he’d bring back two or three bananas. He never ate them, which in hindsight should’ve been a red flag. He just peeled the bananas and threw away everything except the skin.”

With Banana Bob in the lead, the race continued. They cut across the grass of the Old U and back onto the paved area leading to Hardesty. One resident was nearly almost ran over by the racers. As they were speeding away, he pulled out his phone and recorded a Snapchat video, shouting, “these bitch-asses almost ran over me!”

The race ended rather dramatically with all five golf carts catching air as they flew over the steps at the Hurricane Plaza. Banana Bob won, but his victory did not last long as campus security chose that exact moment to descend the steps, still atop their Limes.

Campus security arrested all five offenders promptly. They were then escorted back to the abandoned Suburban. Entering the vehicle, Banana Bob only had one thing to say for himself: “Mamma mia!”

Campus is in desperate need of repairs after this whole ordeal. There are skid marks all over the pavement, ruts covering the New U and bananas coating the campus for a quarter of a mile. Fortunately, Sodexo has announced plans to recover all the peels for their new Fall Fruit Salads.

Maybe the racers should’ve just stuck to Lime racing?

Post Author: Madison Walters