Harmless plant renders hundreds of students felons.
During the first day of class, President Clancy delivered a stern message regarding TU’s medical marijuana policy in a campus-wide email, stating that it is strictly prohibited on campus.
The public outcry was immediate. This email united students all over the political spectrum. In front of Collins Hall, students held silent protests, hoping the administration would change their mind. A few eager biology students planted some hemp seeds, but the department head nipped it in the bud before anything got so far.
One student, Bud Marley, took a different approach. Marley broke into the Pat Case Dining Center and replaced the large tub of oregano with marijuana.
The head cook of the caf, Edith Foster, somehow overlooked the exchange of ingredients. Instead, she began putting the supposed oregano in almost every meal.
Almost immediately, a change was observed on campus. Business at the caf grew 420 percent in one day as students got wind of the magical healing properties of their food.
Charlotte Blaze, a freshman with severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, said that in a couple of hours, her “near-constant pain disappeared,” adding, “The food might still taste like shit, but I can’t get enough of it!”
The cafeteria staff could not keep up with the demand. Over the following days, they could not church out food fast enough for the oddly-starved students. Cooks and servers from the Allen Chapman Student Union rushed over to aid the cafeteria given their lack of patrons.
Marley’s actions also affected the Alexander Health Clinic. Overnight, their therapy department went from packed to not a single client. “You would think school had been canceled by this turnout,” said therapist Linda Potts.
A few teachers noticed an abnormal amount of daydreaming and lack of participation, but the C-Store stopped selling any packages of tissues.
The plan started to go up in smoke when the members of the football team went through a routine drug test. Approximately 99 percent of them showed up positive for the marijuana compound THC, up 12 percent from the week before. This immediately alerted the administration to do some digging.
One freshman track star, Jimmy Baker, ratted out the dining center for immunity from any charges.
When the cafeteria staff realized what they had done, they immediately threw out the alleged oregano, yet they did not anticipate the sheer amount of hungry campus cats. Scrounging around for food, the cats confused the marijuana for catnip. No cats were harmed, but they did seem more relaxed than their usual skittish selves. As a result, many of the cats began letting students pet them for the first time in their lives.
President Clancy was left with no choice. The students egregiously ignored the new campus policy, and the new president had to show he meant business. Clancy did what any sane person would do: expel any student that ingested the contaminated food. Half the school got one of Clancy’s signature emails, this time announcing that they were no longer welcome at this institution.
Included in the carnage were all of the most frequent caf visitors: the presidential scholars, athletes, freshmen and, most notably, Goldie. No longer will her bright bushy tail be representing our school as our canine ambassador. The Weedpocalypse will forever be remembered on TU’s campus.
