Targeted ads single out singles, damage self-esteem

Russians send targeted ads to prey on this under-reproducing population.

Targeted ads really suck, man. I have never bought even half of the items marketed to me, so this must be a spyware thing the Russians came up with.

First and foremost, I am sick of the dating site ads. Every time I see a cute blonde looking at me with those devious two-dimensional eyes, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

“Hi! My name is Stacie Britney Tiffany Smithjohnsonmiller and I am in your area of MTV Studios, New York, California 69420.”

Bullshit, Britney. I can smell a catfish a mile away.

Next are the damn lotion ads. I smell great, I feel great, I am totally fine. I have no idea why Lubriderm sees me as their target audience, but they are convinced I need “three gallons a day” to keep up with the average person in my demographic. I think the rest of the 20-year-old males in the world are buried in Pompeii if they are ashy enough for that amount of product.

Furthermore, it makes me feel insecure about my use of cocoa-butter. People could not get enough of that stuff four years age. How lubricated must I become for optimal function?

Targeting ads to young single guys like myself also perpetuates the situation. If I sit down next to a nice young lady in McFarlin and open up my laptop, a Runescape ad jumps onto my computer for the world to see. Admittedly, I bought a membership once. But I cannot seem to log into my email without Runescape saying they will give me “three Rune scimmies, five lobbies, and a dozen party hats” if I buy another membership.

Even worse, it makes me buy them! The recent market has optimized for those items as tradeables for maximum XP per hour! They are draining my funds. Leave it to the Russians to make all the single people poor. They just hate the under-reproducing crowd because their population is declining.

Now thanks to capitalism’s infatuation with the power of the Internet, I am single, poor, covered in lotion, and dating a girl named Stacie Tiffany who is probably also a Russian spy.

graphic by Conner Maggio

Post Author: Brennen Gray