Teacher shortage solved by turning to students

With teachers leaving the profession across the nation, local schools find an alternative way for students to get their education.

On Friday, March 9, the announcement was made to resounding applause. Oklahoma students are going to have the best student-to-teacher ratio in the nation: 1:0. Dubbed an unprecedented, unconventional turn in the already sporadic timeline of Oklahoma education, students will be given the ultimate personal learning experience.

The state superintendent released a statement early Saturday morning, citing research conducted through a government funded agency dubbed the “protege effect.” The implication of this study is that students will have a richer learning experience as teachers themselves.

As laid out in the recent documentation, students will neither be given any teacher training nor direct instruction. Instead, schools will hire a single administrator known as the “arbitrator.” As students arrive at school, they will enter a full-body scanner. Students will be expected to fill any administrative or extracurricular roles the school needs to operate.

Following the bell, all classrooms will be locked behind the students. A camera will be installed in each room for security purposes, but the learning will be completely facilitated by the students themselves.

Students will need to elect roles amongst themselves as well as assign classroom time to different instructional practices amongst the learners themselves. The valedictorian system will be replaced with a system being dubbed the “Battle Royale” method, in which the last student standing in the classroom will be given the top honors in their class.

The student-directed approach is growing more and more popular in the United States. Research has affirmed that students learn better when they take responsibilities for their own studies. Many times, one could walk into a classroom and see a teacher seated quietly on their phone while the students work.

The anticipation for this new style of education is that students will learn what they desire, motivating intensive, interactive learning. Schools are already posting footage of their students’ classroom lectures as evidence of their effectiveness. One recently uploaded was titled “The Ultimate 360 No Scope: Victory Royale in the Millennia of the Storm.”

As the teacher shortage increases and budgets tighten, states everywhere are having to turn to the new employment opportunities that school-age children provide for the nation. One unnamed administrator stated, “For years, we have let these [redacted] run around willy-nilly, hiring people to yell at them — well, now the [redacted] can duke it out by themselves.”

Many parents have expressed outrage on social media, beseeching the Oklahoma Department of Education to “not be irresponsible” or “outrageous.” One parent ranted, “SENDING MY KID TO PRIVATE SCHOOL.”

State officials responded with a brief statement saying, “The research is strong.”

Students interviewed at local Tulsa schools praise the decision, with one stating, “No one takes attendance, so I never go to school! It’s lit.”

Along with this new legislature, a discreet clause was included, providing a 100 percent increase in district and state administrative positions. Additionally, an exclusive resort for state officials will be built using surplus funds in Oklahoma City as the new therapeutic branch of the Oklahoma Education Department.

Post Author: Thomas von Borstel