After last year’s boring game, Super Bowl LIV has a lot to prove.
Super Bowl LIII was the worst iteration of the big game in recent memory, featuring a team that everyone was sick of seeing (the Patriots) and a team that didn’t deserve to be there (the Rams). There was no “Sweet Victory” and Adam Levine took his shirt off, so it was also the worst halftime show in Super Bowl history. The game ended 13-3 in favor of the Patriots, marking Tom Brady’s sixth Super Bowl win and the lowest scoring Super Bowl ever. Everything about the game was either boring or predictable. We, as viewers, were forsaken by the football gods. Here’s ten ways they could forsake us again this year.
10. The Patriots will decide to play anyway
Tom Brady, right before opening kickoff, does his best elderly shuffle as he takes the field in Miami. Bill Belichick lures Andy Reid into a supply closet with a cheeseburger before locking Big Red inside. New England fans will argue that they deserve to be there as the country collectively groans at their annoying entitlement. New England plays in the Super Bowl again because God hates us all.
9. Jimmy Garoppolo will be too busy hitting on sideline reporters to play the game
Jimmy G. will style his hair with his favorite pomade before doing his best Johnny Bravo impression. Erin Andrews will not be able to resist. No one can reject Garopps twice, he’ll say. The two will get it on in the blue injury tent on the sidelines as backup QB C.J. Beathard tanks the Niners offense.
8. Ryan Fitzmagic will engulf all of Miami as he ascends to godhood
Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick is inevitable and cannot be contained. The Harvard alum will wear sunglasses at night and the deepest V-neck the world has ever seen. With his beard full of Patriot tears, he’ll levitate above the field at Hard Rock Stadium and unleash cataclysmic tempests. Fitzmagic, having revealed himself to be one of the old gods, will reign for a thousand years over the land. Fitzmagic is your God now. Long may He reign.
7. Shakira will have a confession to make
During her and JLo’s halftime show, Shakira will stop everything and reveal that hips, in fact, do lie. They won’t make you want to speak Spanish because it won’t feel right. Fans and viewers will begin to question everything they’ve ever been told, which will lead to widespread existential panic. Garopps won’t mind, he’s an ass man anyway.
6. Patrick Mahomes will take his ketchup obsession too far
Patrick Mahomes will pull a prank during his first Super Bowl appearance by replacing all the Gatorade with ketchup. This will weaken everyone but himself, as ketchup is the life-force of Mahomes. Pat will scramble past vomiting defenders for several touchdowns before the field gets too messy.
5. Joe Buck will forget that he can’t get excited
The Fox commentator will get too excited while calling the game and be the root cause of the apocalypse. When his voice gets to a certain volume, the fabric of space and time will tear and cause a singularity to form in the press box. Everyone and everything you love will be sucked into the black hole. The planet and the surrounding solar system will be annihilated by Joe Buck. Afterwards, Joe will return to Valhalla and rest in the Mead Hall of the Gods.
4. Super Bowl commercials won’t be the same without Mr. Peanut
apolgy for bad english it is my first languagen’t
where were you when mr. peanut die
i was at house eating dorito when phone ring
“mr. peanut is kil”
3. Budweiser will also kill their mascots
Much like Mr. Peanut, Budweiser will also kill their beloved mascots. They’ll take up two minutes of ad-space to show the Clydesdales getting loaded up in a cramped trailer and delivered to the nearest glue factory. Profits for the watery beer will skyrocket, marking the most effective marketing campaign in recent history.
2. Travis Kelce will shoot his “Bachelor” rip-off show during the game
“Catching Kelce” will inexplicably return to our television screens during the game. After catching a touchdown pass, Travis will go through the tunnel and out of the stadium to catch dinner with his girlfriend, Kayla. In full pads, Kelce will struggle to get his fork through his facemask. Furiously, viewers will watch as Kelce lets a perfectly good ribeye go to waste and wonder why he hasn’t popped the question yet.
1. Jimmy Garoppolo will be required to play for the Chiefs after halftime
Jimmy G. will be consulted by Joe Montana, Alex Smith, Steve Bono, Elvis Grbac and Steve DeBerg in the tunnel before the second half. Unaware of what’s going on, Garoppolo gets surrounded by the five men, who start a ritualistic ceremony. “Te non iam aurum, ludere ad Kansas City,” they’ll chant. Under the influence of an ancient spell, Garoppolo will suit up for the Chiefs, continuing a time-honored tradition of 49ers quarterbacks going to Kansas City. Patrick Mahomes will realize he never truly belonged because the Chiefs never play quarterbacks they draft.