Everything is bigger in Texas, including slut-shaming.
The highly controversial Texas abortion law has banned abortions after six weeks and shockingly incentivized the punishment of not only anyone who has aided or abetted a patient in receiving the procedure but also any suspected whores.
In a move many call the state returning to its roots, Texas has directly promoted vigilantism in the deputization of private residents, granting them the ability to bounty hunt and inform the state government of local sluts and whores for a sweet cash prize of $10,000. Texas has called for the blood of the United States’ most ruthless of domestic terrorists: sexually promiscuous women.
“Listen,” began Governor Greg Abott in his recent press conference, “I don’t care who we’re talkin’ about. The girl at the cash register who gave you a warm smile, a woman thinking about purchasing a crop top or high school girls caught kissing a boy in their car after curfew—all of these floozies need a spanking before it’s too late.”
The government has therefore stressed the role of citizens more than ever by creating a watchdog registry, where people can report anyone involved in the receiving of an abortion or stop some rampant whores before they clog up the Planned Parenthood appointment schedule. And through the creation of such a tip line and the Department of Slut Hunting, Texas has seen an influx of reports against all kinds of degenerate women—such as local 16-year-old high school student Brittany Hicks.
The story of Brittany Hicks is a chilling reminder of how this nation’s children are especially at risk for becoming unclean harlots. Fortunately, thanks to a call from sophomore Tyler Richardson, Hicks must undergo a stressful and likely traumatizing lawsuit for her promiscuity.
“Yeah, the process was pretty simple,” says Richardson, lounging upon the gamer chair he bought with the money he received for his report. “I heard from my buddy Jeremy Nichols that Brittany gave him a blowie after they went out to a movie, and then my other bro Lark Sparrow was like, ‘What the fuck, dude, she totally gave me a handie for sending her the answers to our chem homework.’”
Something needed to be done about this wily temptress, so after school last Friday, Richardson gave the Texas Department of Slut Hunting a tip about Hicks’ reported dalliances with a list of her victims. Also included with his account was the fact that Hicks had been dress coded for wearing the apparel of a dirty woman, a tank top with straps that were smaller than two fingers of measurement.
Who he had sent into the registry was a certified fucking psychopath that would have graduated and become even more dangerous. Her feminine sorcery would grant her unfair advantages in an already female-dominated world, where opportunities such as promotions are freely given like candy on Halloween.
Richardson’s mother had interrupted the interview to present a plate of snacks, apples cut in the shape of the buttons of a PlayStation controller and a glass of what he called ‘gamer juice,’ which was water with a drop of blue food coloring. When she left, Richardson rolled his eyes and said, “Wish you could report women for being uptight bitches, but whatever.” Richardson then munched happily on his apples.
“Anyway, I didn’t report Brittany because she rejected me for a dance at homecoming and made me look like a total dork,” states Richardson. “I want it to be clear that I did something really heroic and brave for my community, and Mommy said that she was proud of her little man.”
What a brave little boy, indeed. Richardson’s duty to his country shows the example given to young men by the state of Texas. Women are expendable and must be dominated now before they go on to kill more innocent babies. Brittany Hicks was a lesson about stopping a whore before it was too late–besides, she was asking for it.