The Bleacher Creature

Bigger is Better

Did you see that video released by SBNation last week ranking the heaviest college mascots? You didn’t? Well let me spoil the ending for you, it’s us! That’s right, Captain Cane couldn’t keep his hands off that wonderful Wendy’s 4 for 4 combo and put on some serious poundage over the summer, now weighing in at a whopping 1,182,000,000,000 lbs.

Actually, that number is the weight of a hurricane made out of solid gold (because that is totally a thing) but I’m ashamed to admit how long it took me to realize that it wasn’t Captain Cane being referred to when our editor told me that we had the heaviest mascot. Some other thoughts from the video: the human mascots are all listed at 137 lbs and where the hell that number comes from I have no idea. The makers of this list do realize that this is 21st century America, right? Isn’t our average toddler weight like 200 lbs by now? Also, apparently a Redwood tree weighs substantially more than an entire herd of buffalo. Maybe I’m just an idiot and this fact might be obvious to some of you native Okies, but I found it pretty damn surprising….The Western Kentucky Hilltopper is the stuff of nightmares, like that purple McDonald’s dude had a baby with a genetically modified tomato….

Dragons are listed at 13,001 lbs, and while I know this was just intended as a joke to slight Alabama by a pound, I really think we need to strive for complete accuracy on a list like this. A quick Google search will tell you that Tolkien’s biggest dragon literally broke the peaks off some mountains when he died. Come on, my man Ancalagon the Black was probably doing bicep curls of 13,001 for god’s sake! Step up your game, SBNation.

Dueling GOATs

As a guy who really likes to debate things, I hate stupid arguments. Especially in sports when you have talking heads babbling on endlessly about contrived topics and taking hard-line opinions on trivial matters that absolutely do not need to be discussed. The most recent one to dominate the sports news cycle is the absolutely dreadful discussion of whether Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt is the greatest Olympian of all time. Both are undeniably the greatest ever at their individual sports, Phelps a five-time Olympian and the all-time record holder in both golds and total medals and Bolt a perfect 9/9 on golds and owner of by far the fastest sprinting times ever, and yet this neutral recognition of their excellence somehow isn’t enough for people. For some reason we feel a need to determine which is “better,” and who the hell even knows what that means in this context?

What’s worse is that this isn’t even the kind of stupid debate that has a clear answer. Both sides have merit and will probably be able to argue their points for years to come! It almost makes me miss listening to the Skip Baylesses and Bomani Joneses of the world making the case that Brittney Griner could play in the NBA, or that NFL wide receivers could beat Usain Bolt in a sprint if they just trained a bit. At least those stupid arguments had obvious resolutions.

New Era

I swear I’m not just writing about them because they are my favorite team! No, I’m bringing up the New York Yankees because they are all of a sudden one of the youngest and most intriguing clubs in the league. Few teams were as busy as the Yanks at the trade deadline, as they seemingly punted on the 2016 season by moving their three best players: all-world relievers Andrew Miller and Aroldis Chapman and aging slugger Carlos Beltran. It was a decidedly un-Yankees-like move to try to do anything but “win now” but the team got some nice prospects in return to bolster an already pretty good farm system.

And what’s more, they’ve been even better since the deadline after calling up some of that home-grown talent, thrusting themselves into the back end of the Wild Card race. “Baby Bombers” Tyler Austin and Aaron Judge homered back-to-back in their respective first major league at-bats. Catcher Gary Sanchez has been a world-beater, hitting somewhere near peak Barry Bonds level through his first month in the big leagues.

And with Alex Rodriguez now retired (a legend who despite all the controversy deserves to be recognized as such) and Mark Teixeira soon to join him, there will be plenty of room on the roster for top prospects like Greg Bird and Gleyber Torres to come up possibly as soon as next year, and that is before the possibility of signing a superstar of the likes of Manny Machado or Bryce Harper when they become free agents after the 2018 season. Yes it’s looking like the Bronx Bombers might have another decade of dominance ahead of them. Just remember, Harambe died for this.

Post Author: tucollegian

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