Soccer players are great with their legs. Arms are practically an extension of the body to pitchers. But God has endowed J.J. Watt with stellar coordination to all his limbs. Not only can the All-Pro defensive lineman crush quarterbacks and catch fade passes in the end zone, but he can also nail field goals.
Before this year’s Pro Bowl, which of course you didn’t watch, Watt drilled a 32-yarder through the uprights. Sure, it wasn’t game scenario, but 32 yards is 32 yards. Maybe Watt can push Fat Randy out of his kicking job in Houston?
Speaking of the Pro Bowl, who watches that anymore? Half of the players on the bench don’t even watch. No matter how nicely Goodell asks, he won’t be able to convince these professionals to roughhouse and risk serious injury.
Andrew Luck to Antonio Brown sounds like a match made in heaven, but we all know it isn’t real. You may as well pull Roger Staubach out of Shady Acres Retirement Home and have him lob a few to a wheelchair-bound Raymond Berry (look him up).
A skills competition would most likely be more entertaining than the Pro Bowl scrimmage. Want to know which Pro Bowl quarterback can throw the farthest from his knees? Which non-kicker can boot one through the uprights beyond 40 yards? Ever wonder which lineman could eat the most hot dogs? These are the questions that dreams are made of.
Wait, what’s a drug test?
Josh Gordon desperately needs someone to explain drug tests to him. No, they don’t use black magic. Yes, they’ll find out if you’ve smoked weed or drank alcohol. After Gordon’s DUI, he was not only on the NFL’s watchlist for Mary Jane, but also for Jack Daniel’s.
Incidentally, Gordon failed a test for alcohol, which will most likely force him off the field for the entire 2015 season. He must really want to get back to selling cars. That’s how he kept himself busy during his last suspension.
Science of (foot)balls
In the world of science, there’s not much that can be more humiliating than being corrected by Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bill Belichick’s ball deflation theory, that rubbing the balls together caused them to lose pressure, was easily debunked by Nye. Belichick, who “handled dozens of balls,” apparently couldn’t have handled enough.
As any physics major will over-eagerly explain to you, rubbing footballs to get Tom Brady’s preferred texture does not change the pressure. Nye explained this in a way a six-year-old (or Belichick) could understand it, by using balloons. Thanks, Bill Nye!
A guide to piss off the NFL
Marshawn Lynch loves to remind the NFL how little he cares about its silly rules. For instance, Lynch was planning on wearing gold cleats in the NFC Championship Game until the NFL threatened him with ejection.
Lynch onced braved through an entire post-game interview by saying only, “Thanks for asking.” So naturally, he grabbed his crotch in celebration of his touchdown against the Packers. And, naturally, the NFL fined him $20,000 for the not-so-well-received gesture. After all, there are children watching. And the NFL wants to stand up for the children.
However, the NFL cares about one thing more than the children: the money. That’s why you can now buy a photo collage, featuring Lynch’s crotch grab, from NFL.com for only $149.99! What a steal!