The Bleacher Creature


Leading up to the Super Bowl, the media couldn’t get enough of a quiet Marshawn Lynch or Deflategate. Everyone, from CNN to your mother, has an opinion. But do you know which opinion is the RIGHT one? The answer is…none of them; they’re all wrong. Both topics are non-issues. Turn off CNN. Tell your mom to shut up. Whoa, did you seriously consider that?! That woman birthed you, you ungrateful jerk.

The only appropriate stance regarding Deflategate is that people desperately need to stop using “gate” as a suffix to describe every scandal since Watergate. There’s an entire Wikipedia page devoted to the world’s worst naming convention. Some protest the Washington Redskins name by not saying “Redskins.” From now on, as a quasi-journalist, I solemnly swear to never use “gate” to describe a scandal, and you should do the same. Together, we can make the world a better place.

The Greatest of all Time?

“Odell Beckham Jr. is the greatest wide receiver ever! He’d be the next Jerry Rice if Jerry Rice were good enough! OBJ will end world hunger!” Claims of the rookie wide receiver’s greatness seem to grow more fanciful by the day.

Last week, the Giants prodigy set the world record for most one-handed catches in a minute, with 33 grabs.

Amazing, right? Wrong! The record was broken the next day by an unknown (yet commendable) wide receiver from the University of Iowa, named Tevaun Smith. Smith shattered Beckham’s record with 41 catches, a 26% increase. From that, we can extrapolate that Smith is 26% better than Beckham.

Jesse Keipp Resident Psychic

Written before the Super Bowl, the following is a clairvoyant recap of the Big Game:

Wow, what a game! It’s not called the “Super” Bowl for nothing. Can you believe the way that team won? This dynasty is alive and well! They finally proved all the doubters wrong.

Critics claimed this team was a shell of its former self, as recently as the middle of the regular season. Nonetheless, the winning team pulled itself up by its proverbial bootstraps.

Fans of the losing team are scrambling to point fingers. Ultimately, I blame the defense of the losing team. But don’t forget the costly mistakes of the losing team’s offense.
That said, I don’t want to take away anything from the winning team’s tremendous effort. The MVP truly rallied his teammates to a new level.

They overcame seemingly insurmountable adversity, not only during the game, but throughout the whole season. At times, it certainly appeared to be the world vs. them. Despite all the haters, the winning team has cemented itself among the elite teams in the NFL’s illustrious history.

And what would a Super Bowl recap be without mentioning the halftime show? Katy Perry sang! Oh, did she sing. And she danced! Boy, did she dance. Then Lenny Kravitz showed up! And he performed music. Some fans cheered!

Is it just me or do the commercials get funnier every year? I broke a couple ribs from laughing during that one commercial! You know which one I’m talking about. And, of course, that commercial with the adorable animal made me cry. I’m such a sucker for that stuff.

Post Author: westanderson

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