The Bleacher Creature

New York Sprained Ankles

How does that sound for a team name? Maybe it doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as “New York Giants” but it would probably be more apt following their loss last Sunday to the Los Angeles Chargers. Falling to 0-5 is bad enough but in the process, the Giants lost their top three receiver threats in Odell Beckham, Jr., Brandon Marshall and Sterling Shepard, all to ankle injuries. Shepard is due back soon but the former two are slated to miss the rest of the season, leaving New York with perhaps the most bare-bones offense in recent memory. The wideouts were all this team had going for them coming into the year, that is unless you’re one of the two people (Archie and Olivia Manning) who still consider Eli an elite quarterback. Now, with the likes of Travis Rudolph, Tavarres King and Roger Lewis lining up outside, the Giants look as good a bet as any to finish 0-16. One positive: rookie tight end Evan Engram is about to see 15 targets a game. Fire him up!

But…but…m’favorite player!

Lost in the shuffle of this hectic NBA offseason was the announcement of changes being made to the All-Star selection format. No longer will the game be evenly split between the Eastern and Western conferences. The top vote-getters from each conference will now become their team captains and engage in a good old-fashioned schoolyard pick’em to fill out the rest of the rosters. The fan voting component won’t be completely neutralized, as the players to be selected by the captains will be limited to a pool based on the players that get the most votes, but even if this wasn’t the case, would anybody care? This is the best alteration that’s been made to an All-Star game in ever. Are you listening Bud Selig? When people are telling you that the All-Star game is becoming stale, you don’t give an exhibition game the power to determine home field advantage, you just make everything dramatic as hell. I really hope they televise the selection process Bachelor style so we can watch as Kevin Durant stares down the line of candidates, locks his snek-line eyes with Russell Westbrook, then curls those wormy lips into a smirk worthy of the Grinch as he utters the word, “Harden.”

Please, you’re not a psychic

I just want to vent one my sports pet peeves here. We all have that friend who relentlessly gives the hottest of takes, only to inevitably see most of them amount to nothing. You don’t say anything because he’s your buddy, and what fun is it to hold it over somebody’s head that McGregor didn’t knock out Mayweather with a roundhouse kick to the head, that Bartolo Colon didn’t have a three homer game, that George Mason didn’t win the NCAA tournament. But every so often, your friend’s crazy predictions come true. And then he just thinks he’s a god (clapping hands emojis). It doesn’t matter that he’s batting .050, he will now proceed to lord his “superior sports knowledge over you” for the rest of the foreseeable future. Please just stop, you’re making my eye twitch. To my friend who called Troy’s upset over LSU two weeks ago, this is for you.

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti