“Shut up and dribble!”
How about no, you pea-brained ignoramus. In case you’re out of the loop, the cretin in question is Laura Ingraham, a meaner-spirited and less accomplished Megyn Kelly clone who currently hosts a Fox News talk show called “The Ignorant Angle.” I’m sorry, that was supposed to be “The Ingraham Angle,” but you can see how one might get confused. A few days ago, Ms. Ingraham got on her soapbox and blasted LeBron James and Kevin Durant for having the unmitigated gall to voice their political opinions in an interview where they were … wait for it … asked about their political opinions. With the condescending sneer of a woman who wishes that “plantation owner’s wife” was still a viable career path, Ingraham called James’s and Durant’s candid comments “barely intelligible” and “ungrammatical” (mere moments after referring to them as “jumb docks,” by the way) and then proceeded to give her viewers all sorts of fallacious reasons as to why these two upstanding citizens should be barred from exercising their First Amendment rights. She claimed that LeBron left high school early (he didn’t), then insinuated that he was stupid because he chose to make millions of dollars playing professional basketball instead of going to college. She mocked the work ethic and skill of professional athletes by reducing their abilities to merely “bouncing a ball,” when it is almost certain that top-tier pros have put vastly more time into their craft than Ingraham has put into hers. Finally, she insisted that “nobody voted” for NBA players while millions voted for Trump, which is idiotic on two levels: first, elected officials aren’t supposed to be immune to criticism, and second, that you’d have to have your head far enough up Trump’s ass to taste his digesting well-done steaks to believe for a second that he is more popular or respected than the likes of James and Durant. I know I’m usually the one talking about separating political and sports discussions, but I’m not going to stand by while some barely closeted bigot thinks it’s acceptable to attack people for speaking their minds. Even if there was no racial motivation in Ingraham’s pathetic diatribe, and I’ll concede that none of us are able to truly see into her heart, it is reprehensible to suggest that people be censored just because they disagree with you or possess a relatively unqualified opinion. And Fox News, if you want to suggest that athletes don’t know anything about politics, at least pretend not to be so hypocritical and kick Curt freaking Schilling off your network.
Okay, I’m calm now
Now for some good old-fashioned Sports Outrage™, where we can get mad at things that ultimately have no bearing on world events! This week, let’s all rage at the farce that is NBA All-Star Weekend, a masturbatory vacation for basketball’s best where the top players get together to play a terrifically boring pickup game. Nobody plays any defense because everyone is best buds and wants to avoid getting hurt in a meaningless exhibition, and the end product is something that ranks between amateur curling and equestrian on the interesting scale. I’m not lying when I say that I’ve literally never met anybody who is legitimately excited about the game, or the stale dunk or three-point contests for that matter. If they just scrapped the whole thing, I wouldn’t even be mad.
The print media isn’t dead yet
“Bleacher Creature” enthusiasts, you’ll be pleased to hear that my trickery in last week’s edition earned me first in the class! I’d like to thank all of you, my tens of erstwhile fans, for making this possible, I couldn’t have done it without you. From now on you’ll be known as my Little Monsters and Lady Gaga can deal with it or lawyer up. Deal? Deal.