The Bleacher Creature

NFL drops, erm, catches the ball
You know what I’ve heard from every Cowboys fan I know over the past three years? “Man, if the NFL would just admit they were wrong about the overturned Dez Bryant catch against the Packers, I wouldn’t even be mad about it anymore.” And of course by every Cowboys fan, I mean literally not a single Cowboys fan. The point here is the NFL can take its recent apology and shove it. It’s not that I personally care all that much, though as a general rule, I prefer an unapologetic Roger Goodell (his tears made the 2017 Lombardi trophy all that much sweeter). It’s just that it feels like such a hollow gesture after the fact, albeit a move in the right direction as the No Fun League attempts to salvage one tiny aspect of its reputation and fix the definition of a catch. Ah well, looks like next year we’ll all have to find some other vague rule to get red-faced about.

MOMMA, there goes that man
Did you catch that James Harden stepback, staredown three-pointer last week? I usually don’t like to focus on individual plays because there’s only so much you can really say about them, but this one right here … Lordy, I had to sit down after. In case you missed it (and please please please don’t let this inevitably poor description stop you from looking it up so you can revel in all its glory), the Bearded One found himself matched up with one of the game’s all-time great scrubs in Wesley “I was halfway decent in 2K11” Johnson on the left arc. He next politely asked if he could have this dance, a proposition which was quickly accepted, then hit Johnson with a nasty stepback crossover. As he watched his defender tumble to the floor, Harden paused for a moment before hoisting up the shot, then decided to wait just a little longer, then got out of shooting position, then made himself some tea, read “War and Peace” and envisioned the alternate universe that saw him still on the Thunder playing third fiddle to Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. And then, after all that, as Johnson finally managed to pick himself off the floor and contest the shot, Harden absolutely buried it. Just give this man the MVP already.

I lost my marbles
Welp, I’ve got a new favorite sport. And it’s going to sound real stupid when I explain it to you. But look, you absolutely need to give it a shot, because it’s going to change not only the way you view athletics but the meaning of life itself. Imagine the Olympics, but with marbles. Okay, you’re confused, let me try to be more clear. Instead of the high jump, it’s marbles bouncing over a toothpick bar. Instead of the 100-meter dash, it’s marbles rolling down a five meter track. Instead of swimming, it’s marbles tumbling down a little stream. At this point you’re probably saying to yourself, “Justin, I think somebody slipped something in your drink this weekend,” but I’m being completely serious. Since college and “work” is a thing, I’ve only managed to get through the 2016 Marblelympics and part of the 2017 games so far, but I’m not lying when I say that I may be more invested in the random performance of these little glass balls than I’ve ever been in the real Olympics. I’m a Thunderbolts fan myself (the marbles are organized into teams of similar colors and designs rather than countries), and I maintain that they must have had some serious coaching issues going into 2017. How else could you explain these electric blue fan favorites going from a third-place overall finish one year to an absolute laughing stock the next? Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. If nothing else the flawless deadpan commentary should have you rolling. Log on to YouTube, search “Jelle’s Marble Runs” and prepare to fall in love. One last thing: the Savage Speeders are on steroids. Don’t at me.

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti