The Bleacher Creature

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Kevin Durant recently came out with his latest attempt to justify leaving the Oklahoma City Thunder for the Warriors, which could also be a precursor to his jumping ship to the LeLakers following the 2018-19 season. Quoth the snek: “You can’t learn about life if you’re the only player on the team.” That makes so much sense now that he says it, and it’s honestly a little shocking that people are only just now realizing that he played one-on-five for the first nine years of his career. Well, maybe shocking is too strong a word, because to be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Kevin Durant. The lack of self-awareness is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of Parseltongue, most of the hesi pull-up jimbos will go over a typical hater’s head.

There’s also KD’s nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his inferiority complex — his personal philosophy draws heavily from Donald Trump literature, for instance. The stans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these career moves, to realize that they’re not just bad for the league — they say something deep about his TOTAL LACK OF UPPER-BODY STRENGTH. As a consequence people who dislike Kevin Durant truly ARE idiots — of course they wouldn’t appreciate, for instance, the logic in Kevin’s existencial catchphrase “Now everybody wanna play for the heat and the Lakers? Let’s go back to being competitive and going at these peoples!” which itself is a cryptic reference to Kobe

Bryant’s American epic “Dear Basketball.”
I’m smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Durant’s serpentine body unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools… how I pity them. And yes, by the way, I DO have a Kevin Durant tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It’s for bandwagon fans’ eyes only — and even they have to demonstrate that they’ve gotten into five internet arguments with middle schoolers as KD has (preferably lower) beforehand.

Did you know he went to Harvard?
So, uh, is anyone going to talk about what’s going on in Tampa Bay? No, I’m not talking about gators eating old people and drug dealers on the side of the road, I mean what’s going on with the Buccaneers. Specifically Ryan Fitzpatrick, aka “sexy Conner McGregor.” The 35-year-old career backup quarterback, who played college ball at Harvard just became the first QB ever to throw for more than 400 yards in three consecutive games. He wasn’t even supposed to be starting, only getting the nod while Jameis Winston served a three-game suspension for allegedly groping an Uber driver.

So how exactly is a Harvard alumnus pulling off such an unprecedented feat? Some might credit the work ethic and intelligence that he showed in graduating from Harvard, but I think it’s more about the NFL’s increasing emphasis on protecting the quarterback and minimizing receiver/defender contact past the line of scrimmage. Such changes, in addition to the Bucs’ porous defense, are giving Fitzpatrick (who, as an aside, went to Harvard) free rein to sling it to his talented receivers, all of whom are highly regarded deep threats. Of course, this won’t last forever, and to his fantasy owners and Tampa Bay fans alike, I say to you that it won’t be long before Fitzmagic throws five picks and becomes Fitztragic once more.

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti