The Bleacher Creature

With Brennen Gray as The Feature Creature!

It’s the goddamn Fall classic
I’d like for there to have been a more in-depth preview of the World Series, but life comes at you fast. So here we are, bleaching the creatch and paying only lip service to the apex of the baseball season.

I suppose this is sort of symbolic of the sports media’s treatment of America’s Pastime (I know that’s a bullshit nickname at this point, but I’m going to keep calling it that until the CIA barges into Oliphant 110 and makes me stop). The matchup should be a dream one for MLB, featuring two of the game’s most storied franchises, the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Boston Red Sox, in their first-ever championship bout. Featured in the action will be some of baseball’s biggest stars and most exciting players, names like Betts, Kershaw, Sale, Bellinger and Martinez.

But what do ESPN and FS1 choose to focus their time on? Well, LeBron blew his nose in the season opener, so you know that merited several hours of discussion. Honestly I’m tired with complaining about a lack of coverage, especially because I don’t particularly want to watch talking heads who don’t follow the sport blabbering on about it with a bunch of hot takes that they’ve removed from the interior of their rectal passage. It’s just that more airtime on the major national stations could do wonders for reversing the whole “baseball is dying” trend.

Anyway, it’s shaping up to be an incredible series, a battle between the coasts and the collective soul of baseball fandom. You can either root for capitalism incarnate or Satan’s favorite team. Personally, I’m choosing LA over Beantown in seven because I’d rather worship money than the Dark Lord. Also, I was a Dodger in Little League.

Not Enough Sportball
So here is the thing. On Thursday, Oct. 13, you could turn on your TV and watch games from the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, NCAA and MLS. October is a wonderful time of year. Nevertheless, we need more.

Where are cross-country skiing, track and field, curling, bobsledding, diving, swimming and the rest? I want all sports all the time. Every event and every athlete around the world can meet up for more sports than you could ever watch in your entire life. We will call it the “Allympics.” Americans can pretend to be patriotic for a full two weeks at a time while pretending to be inspired by athletes they’ve never heard of in sports they’ve never seen. And all citizens of countries not hosting the games can pretend to be immersed in the culture of the host country to appear more globalized and sophisticated.

Plus, hosting the games would be a huge PR campaign for that country. The only problem is the possibility of the Russians doping during these events. But that is just speculation.
Nick Saban

This man makes $8.3 million. That is 75.8 million curly fries. That is 207,500 Nintendo 64 consoles. That is six Bugatti’s per year. Per year. How could anyone possibly spend that much money on anything. That is over 20 times as much as the president of the United States. Alabama is compensating him for the work of 215 teachers do in a year.

I mean if his work is that many times for valuable, sure. Why not. But the man works for a school. An institution meant to teach kids skills for a workforce and to further the understanding of the human condition and our world.

If he were working for a professional sports organization, fine. But the man manages the sporting events of kids in their teens and 20s. Furthermore where is that money coming from? What if Alabama cut a measly $4.3 million off that guy’s salary. Think about it. A man would make $4 million off of coaching kids through twenty or so non-professional sporting games, and maybe a few more Alabama students can afford an education.

Leave my beloved little bro alone!
I’m sure you all saw that little spat between Rajon Rondo and Chris Paul. LeBron may be getting some flak for grabbing and holding Paul afterwards. He even strokes his back to comfort him and cool him down during the spat.

Should he have more team loyalty? Of course not. These guys are employees in a large organization just like most adults. There is no secret to LeBron and Paul’s close relationship off court. If one of your best friends got into a fist fight with one of your coworkers, would you grab your friend or your coworker?

LeBron has every right to be more concerned with a close friend of his than a guy he starting working with a few months ago. Besides, the important thing is that the fight was broken up anyway, regardless of who grabbed whom.

courtesy BroBible

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti