The Bleacher Creature

With Brennen Gray as the Feature Creature.

One for the History Books
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pitching wins are some of the stupidest statistics in the sports world, and everyone should immediately stop pretending that they mean anything (I’ll give some leeway in fantasy baseball, but that’s it). In unrelated news, Nate Eovaldi turned in one of the most courageous performances in baseball history Friday night, and came away with a loss. Because, say it with me, wins and losses are dumb.

After appearing in the first two games of the World Series, Eovaldi was called in to pitch for the Red Sox once game three went into extra innings. The Sox were surely thinking that they wouldn’t need the flamethrower for more than an inning or two, but that’s not how things turned out. As the game stretched into the wee hours of the morning, hitting the five, then six, then seven hour marks, Eovaldi remained a constant on the mound and helped conserve his team’s bullpen strength. He wasn’t treading water either, throwing an unfathomable 97 pitches on one day’s rest and hitting 99 on the radar gun in his final inning.

Eovaldi’s final line? Six innings, three hits, one walk, five Ks… and the loss after he gave up a leadoff home run to Max Muncy in the bottom of the 18th. It was gutsy, transcendent baseball, and a traditional box score would mark it as a failure. I know I’m arguing against a bit of a strawman here; it’s not like there are a bunch of fans out there trashing Eovaldi. But what he did was historic, the type of outing that should be memorialized in the Hall of Fame, and it’s downright offensive that there’s anything about it that we could construe as a negative.

Man seeking sport
It is time to mourn basketball as the greatest sport ever made. The NBA has officially disappointed me too much. Ever since LeBron left to the west, my zeal for basketball has faded. My favorite team has gone from making the Finals to being the worst team in the NBA. LeBron is in a far off land, and all I can do is quote those “When will my husband return from war?” memes floating around. There is no point in pursuing this one-way relationship. I must leave.

So I have been shopping around for new heroes in other sports.

First up is Raven. In addition to being a former president of the United States, she also is the world’s leading player in the Marbleympics. The videos that took youtube by storm feature teams of marbles competing in different events throughout the competition.

Next up is Madison, who just took home the Daytona 500 cup. After strapping a rocket engine to her wheelchair, she has been smoking the competition. Though she suffered a wreck a few days ago, she will likely be back behind the wheel in no time.

Third on my list, badminton is calling my name. That shuttlecock majestically moving through the air… so beautiful! Those thicc rackets, dumb outfits and large nets. Perfection. Emily embodies these pillars of badminton in every way.

Last, Emma has taken being a hermit to a professional level. While not a spectator sport, hermitting has been gaining popularity, especially in the mountains of Colorado.

Post Author: Justin Guglielmetti