Benjamin Franklin, Elon Musk, Abraham Lincoln (Vampire Hunter) and President Trump on Mount Slowless. graphic by Conner Maggio

The definitive list of best United States presidents

The hard truth about our country’s greatest historical figures.

To spice things here in the dying industry of newspaper print, we have compiled a list of the top 10 presidents of the United States. Here is the rundown:

First, some honorable mentions. We looked and looked through this list and after extensive combing, narrowed out many presidents worth mentioning. Here are three of our biggest decision breakers, and so comes the list:

Scooby Dooby-Doo-Doo: Not only a role model for the kids, but also for our lives.

Barack Obama: He was pretty okay. A great social media influencer in today’s age, this man was known for his mic drops and lit comebacks. A president to remember for sure.

Jesus Christ: This man was literally the son of God so we had to put him in our list.

Coming in number 10 with many honors and international awards is our homeboi, President Garfield. He was not only our fearless leader during the two massive world wars but was also a proponent of amending animal equality in our nation’s law books. Unfortunately, this was added to the Constitution even before the 13th and 19th Amendments were ratified.

At number nine, with no fewer awards than big diddle widdle middle of the fiddle Garfield, is our very own Benjamin Franklin. In addition to inventing lightning, this president also created the 100 dollar bill, which then created capitalism and completely annihilated communism.

In eighth place, with two Nobel Prizes under his belt, is the creator of jet fuel AND steel beams: George W. Bush. This victorious man led our nation in a moment of crisis against the aliens that threatened to reveal the secrets of the Illuminati, as well as fully funding the research that made the National History Channel the perfect station that it is today.

At seven is someone who fought against the system but ended up at the seat of ultimate power, Nicolas Cage. After stealing the Declaration of Independence he was able to understand the inner workings of the White House. He then used the knowledge alongside his brilliant acting skills to win the election in a landslide against his opponent: a Texas senator known as the Zodiac Killer.

Number six is someone unexpected. There is nothing like an underdog tale, and this president’s election story was no exception. In June of 1666, a young farmer unexpectedly decided to run for America’s top job. What happened next changed history. Elon Musk (full name Elongated Muskrat) fought hard against his opponent, the popular-at-the-time rapper Eminem, and managed to secure his seat at the throne of power for not one, not two, but seven whole terms.

TU boasts of being one of the many universities from which the fifth president on our list hails. That’s right, it’s Tulsa’s very own alumnus Dr. Phil, the bringer of pain. Whether it’s in roasting a kid or beaming the shininess of his head to completely annihilate an argument, Dr. Phil is unstoppable. He single-handedly wrote the Paris Treaty and created NATO in the aftermath of the seventh world war.

In fourth place is Alexander Hamilton. This man, who inspired Shakespeare to write his most famous play ever, “Hamilton,” needs no explanation.

Number three on our list is Abe Lincoln (give it up for our fam). Not only did he finally give rights to Black Americans but he also popularized going to the theatre. There is a joke somewhere in there.

In second place is most definitely our founding daddy, DJ Khaled. Not only did he create music (humans did not have the ability to hear before he created sound), but he was also pivotal in the discovery of electrons and spurred on the research of nanotechnology. He was also credited with discovering Planck’s constant before Planck and String Theory before strings were invented.

Taking the top spot is of course, the man of the hour, our big papa Donald Trump. He has made our nation great again, and now, without the bounds of morality, he will be our elected leader for eternity. God Bless America and Good Night, New York

Post Author: Courtney Spivey