Animatronic mascots? Fuckin’ mint. graphic by Sarah Le

The (not so) secret life of Captain Cane

What does Captain Cane get up to when he’s not on the football field?

Captain Cane is the hunk of all hunks. With his rock-hard abs and bulging biceps, how could you not admire this human hurricane? His design and costume have gone through several changes, with each iteration even sexier than the last. As a new Captain Cane costume is slated to be revealed in 2020, we asked some TU students for their opinion on the current costume before it gets retired.

“Honestly? He’s a little creepy-looking,” said Chica Rodriguez, a psychology major.

“I don’t think he’s even a real captain. Has he ever been on a ship before?” scoffed Bonnie Willis, a mechanical engineering major.

Despite what you may think about the costume’s appearance, you must wonder what happens to Captain Cane when he’s not out on the football field. I wanted to know more about the mascot’s secret life and reached out to the TU athletic department see if anyone could answer my questions. Nobody knows where the costume is kept except for Cane’s caretaker, Freddy, who agreed to lead me to Cane’s private lair.

Upon arriving at our agreed meeting location, I was blindfolded, thrown into a van, transported to a building and shunted down several winding corridors until we reached a room guarded with three doors, each locked in a dozen different ways. Inside the room laid Captain Cane’s lifeless costume: handcuffed, strapped to a table and locked up in a bulletproof box with cameras and lasers monitoring every inch of the space.

I asked Freddy why Captain Cane was being kept under such high security. Freddy claimed, “We have to keep the Cap’ from being munched on by rats or violated by frat boys. With all the new tech nowadays, perhaps we could preserve him forever.”

He elaborated by revealing that he was in the process of constructing an animatronic utilizing Captain Cane’s parts.

Freddy explained, “If the costume were turned into an animatronic, Captain Cane could be moving and dancing without having someone inside wearing down the fabric and splitting his seams.”

Once completed, the Captain Cane animatronic is proposed to be placed in the new esports arena next to TU’s dining center to emulate a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant. With games and pizza already nearby, the only things left to complete the Chuck E. Cheese vibe are a singing animatronic and beer on tap.
Freddy says that the animatronic is currently in its testing stages but will be ready to display when the esports arena is finally finished.

“However,” Freddy nervously interjected, “The Cap’ is currently . . . unstable. He’s still a bit weird in his testing phase, so we can’t let you see him in action until we work out all the bugs.”

I was then blindfolded again and escorted out of the room. I still do not know where the costume is kept, but at least now I know he isn’t just thrown into a closet until the next football game.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS: A break-in was recently reported to have occurred in Collins Hall. Security camera footage reveals several doors being mysteriously opened after being locked for the night, with a tall humanoid figure looming in the darkness in several shots.

Upon closer analysis of the footage’s audio, a music box version of TU’s alma mater can faintly be heard, although no other audio was detected. The tall figure is then seen running out of Collins Hall with a cape and handcuffs flailing behind them.

Any individuals with knowledge about the break-in are encouraged to report details to Campus Security.

Post Author: Sarah Le