A controversial new doctrine pronounced by Pope Francis goes into effect starting next year.
It is 2018, y’all, and our pope is super litty. So litty that recently, in an act of unforseen ambition, he has allowed all sins to be committed for a total of one lunar day every year, not unlike the Purge. Let’s dive into this rabbit hole.
Second, a Christmas Wish List of sorts for all my readers out there, except for Various Sins:
1. Stay up until 5 a.m. on a school night when your first class is at 8 a.m.
2. Willingly read the entire “Fifty Shades of Sexy” trilogy.
3. Take two multivitamins in one day.
4. Respond with only “Yee,” the Waluigi “W a h” or “I dunno, OwO (pronounced like “oval” but with more sin).”
5. Say “Yeet” for accuracy and “Kobe” for distance.
6. Refusing to be spoopy for Spooktober.
7. Eat your second-born.
8. Appreciate Minions unironically (guilty as charged).
9. Watch anime.
10. Write an article complaining about your roommate’s dog, but labeling it as satire so people don’t suspect your inner jealousy of the amount of attention Mr. Nutt receives in proportion to yours.
… and etc.!
Third, as head reporter on this decision, I am very excited to share with all of you my plans for this special holiday.
I will start off my morning by not showering after waking up and drinking a Nutella shake. Shortly after that, I will be coming to each class five minutes after it starts to incite the glares from both the professors and students sitting in the back who themselves arrived two minutes late to class (hypocrites). Then during class I will be on Instagram the whole time and only like cute corgi-butt posts, with the exception of a few fat squirrel pics.
After all that hard work, I will punish myself for sinning by getting in the Chick-fil-A line to both empty my wallet and increase my overall mass. Next, I will reward myself for being so well-disciplined by skipping a class, choosing instead to go back to my room to watch like three episodes on Netflix or browse YouTube. Then I will end the day with a Nutella dinner and two cups of Nutella-flavored tea, topped off with a shower in Nutella spread and another bath to rinse off the Nutella, where I will blast my music for as long as I am in the bathroom.
Last, I have asked some friends what their plans are for this upcoming event, and they’ve all responded with as much enthusiasm as me. Here are some of the best responses:
“I might skip school if all sins are allowed. Probably sleep in till 2 p.m.” — Amelia Desnuts
“I might smoke some dank weed. Also, if you’re writing this for the newspaper, just, like, use someone else’s answer, okay?” — Eric Valley, Class of 2020, CS and math double major, lives in Hardesty Hall, room 2009.
“Drop out and pursue competitive vaping, maybe become a vore icon. What, you asked! Like seriously, in this day and age, this shouldn’t be a sin, I don’t know why I’m even responding to your question with that. I guess people are just not open-minded enough. Jesus.” — My (now former) roommate Cory Carter
What will you all do to celebrate this national holiday? Our inbox is currently taking ideas to post for next year’s sin-purge, so feel free to let us know at DearCatholicChurchPleaseDontSmiteMeThisIsSatireThanks@utulsa.edu!