Skip Tulsa’s highly commercialized haunted house scene and experience true terror right here at TU.
Psycho Path? Nah. The Hex House? Pssh. The Nightmare? Hell nah. Why settle for the cheap jumpscares and blood-soaked everything of those basic haunted houses when you can experience true terror? If you really want to be frightened, there is only one place to go.
Join me at Apt. 222, Tulsa’s newest haunted attraction (and my own apartment), where existential dread and depression will have you trembling in fear as soon as you step in the door.
First off, the ambience in the space is superb. Ever since I received my first electricity bill, I only turn on the lights for true emergencies, like last week when I lost my last Oreo under the couch. (Side note: it’s amazing how much a dead rat feels like an Oreo when you’re really hungry.) Look forward to groping through the darkness in this pitch-black horror experience.
I’m sure you’ve heard of Gothic decor — and all haunted houses these days seem to have at least one little ghost girl running around in Victorian era clothing — but what about emo decor? The band posters in my apartment will have you cringing out of your skin, almost like you’re back in middle school.
For the bravest of the bunch, you can peek into my closet and receive a terrifying flashback to 2005. However, I would suggest leaving before I start showing off my CD collection; no one has yet survived past track four of “Take This to Your Grave.”
Perhaps the spookiest part of the apartment is how self-defeating it all is. I’m always going on about how awful our consumerist culture is, how we pointlessly buy just to buy, just to make ourselves feel better. But what did I do? I went and spent all this money furnishing a new apartment, stocked my kitchen with food (when I’m still stuck on a meal plan) and moved out of my parents’ house (even though they live 20 minutes away) just to make myself feel better about my life. I have become the thing I’ve always hated, and I don’t know who I am anymore. Come stare into the mirror with me for a couple of hours. Let’s see if we can figure that out together.
If I haven’t already convinced you, maybe the reviews of several satisfied visitors will!
“Five stars out of five, honestly,” said my friend Zoe. “I got chills as soon as I walked in the place, though that might be because she’s stingy when it comes to heating the place. But yeah, super spooky. I don’t ever want to go back.”
“I came in and she was just lying there, staring at the ceiling, muttering something about her GPA. Needless to say, I got the fuck out of there,” said my other friend Rosa. “I’d probably check it out again, though, if she changes things up next time. String up some fake bats or something.”
If you’re too busy with midterms to come check the place out, don’t worry! Things here will be pretty much the same long after Halloween is over.
I mean, it’s all the same, isn’t it? Day after day, the same events dressed up slightly differently. A monotonous shuffle into the grave.
Anyway, yeah. Come over, I guess.
