The State-Run Media’s guide to graduation

27 April 2017
Amy Cairns, 7th year senior

Not sure what to do at graduation? Amy Cairns gives you answers.

Spring semester is an exciting time — better weather, finishing off your classes, finals, and most importantly, graduation. With so much going on, it’s hard to have time to worry about the trivial. We’ve made a guide to surviving graduation!

So You’re A Graduating Senior …
So the time has come and you’re ready to graduate, but what do you do? There are some very important decisions to make before graduation: What do I wear? Should I decorate my hat? Should I be sober for the ceremony? Fret not! We here at the State-Run Media have the answers.

1) What do I wear?
Graduation is your big day, so it’s very important to dress the part. Self expression is important in fashion, so ask yourself “What outfit will really show who I am as a person?” Once you have that outfit in mind, throw it away. Nobody wants to see that. Take the real you, and shove it down. College isn’t about self-expression. Besides, you’ll be wearing a cap and gown, the universal symbol of conformity. You’re going to look the exact same as everybody else, as you should. If you’re feeling really adventurous, you can express your hopes and dreams through your outfit and just wear nothing.

2) Should I decorate my hat? What should I put on it?
The graduation cap — a societal staple that says “I paid money and have proven myself to be vaguely competent.” In a sea of your peers, it’s important to stand out. What better way to do that than decorating your cap? Bedazzled sorority letters, inspirational quotes, inside jokes — the selections are limitless! Think about something that matters deeply to you, and put that on your hat. Don’t worry about looking superficial, it’s unavoidable. I mean, you’re decorating your cap… you’re already as basic as it gets. So go ahead, put that introspective quote on there. It toooooootally makes you look deep.

3) Should I be sober for the ceremony?
No.

So You’re Supporting Your Graduating Friend …
So the time has come and your more-successful friend is ready to graduate, but what do you do? There are some very important decisions to make before graduation — What do I wear? What should I bring to obnoxiously ensure that my friend knows I am proud of them? Should I be sober for the ceremony? Fret not! We here at the State-Run Media have the answers.

1) What do I wear?
Your friend’s graduation is a big day, so it’s very important to make it all about you. Drama is important in fashion, so ask yourself “What outfit will really show how much more important I am than my friend?” Once you have that outfit in mind, put it on. You’ll look fabulous. No one will ever notice that you’re supposed to be graduating as well, but failed some classes and now have to come back for another year.

2) What should I bring to obnoxiously ensure that my friend knows I am proud of them?
It’s very important to make sure your friends know how proud you are; after all, THEY didn’t flunk biology freshman year. When it comes to graduation ceremonies, you should make sure to be as obnoxious as possible. What better way to show your love than with an airhorn? Airhorns are really loud and draw attention to themselves. You can probably relate. You should bring as many airhorns and celebratory confetti poppers as possible. While you’re at it, smuggle in some fireworks. Your friends will know your loyalty as they watch you get escorted from the arena.

3) Should I be sober for the ceremony?
No.

So You Enjoy Attending Long Ceremonies For No Sentimental Reason …
Why?