The Void

Has a local newspaper published an article that doesn’t agree with your narrow viewpoints of the world? Do other people have opinions that are contrary to your own? Use these simple methods to forcibly change other people’s minds, or at least destroy their reputation.

Petitio Principii: A classic also known as begging the question. Why is something true? BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS! This one is most effective when you’re louder than the other party.

Prejudicial Language: This one seems like it’s easy to spot but it’s actually pretty sly. All you have to do is describe the others opinion using loaded and emotional wording. All good and righteous people do X (or do not do X) and therefore X is right (or wrong.)

Appeal to Heaven: This one is simple if a bit easy to see through. You don’t need to actually have a reason if you just claim that something is the will of God (or is against God’s will). I mean you obviously know exactly what God wants. How could your view of morality possibly be wrong if it is inspired by God?

Ad Hominem: This is a good fallacy to use if your adversary is pointing out other fallacies like moral high ground and begging the question. When you are ready to go on the extreme offensive, there are a few methods to do this properly. Obviously you must start shouting fire and brimstone. Call them the scourge of the earth. Damn them, damn them to Hell! It’s where they must be going anyway. Or you can try subtly degrading their humanity by offering some type of help which not only makes them look insane but make you look kind. “Oh I pray for the health of anyone who believes THAT.”

If all else fails you can always throw the hail mary of logical fuckery. Appeal to appropriate content. The topic of conversation is clearly unfit for a newspaper to publish. And you would know too! You are the supreme authority to determine what is and isn’t appropriate for media. You are end all and be all. You are the Alpha and the Omega. The supreme being among a sea of lessers. All bow down to YOU. Let them feed your insatiable appetite for affirmation lest you devour their world, their reality. You chant to the Heavens and whatever is above “Ego sum deus. Ego Sum Deus. EGO SUM DEUS!”

Post Author: tucollegian

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