Dearest, impressionable children of Collegian readers, do you remember the first time you lost a tooth and put it under your pillow? Do you remember how the next morning you were showing off your shiny quarter to all your friends at school and that jerk, Jayden Tyler, told you that he got $20 for his tooth. You see the reason for this is very simple: the Tooth Fairy loves Jayden more than you.
But you see it is not only the Tooth Fairy that loves Jayden more. Santa, the Easter Bunny, Jayden’s neighbors, even good old Uncle Sam loves the Tyler family more than your family.
Thats why Jayden gets better presents, more candy and even a nicer barbecue than you do. It’s not because Jayden is a better child than you, let’s face it that guy is a jerk.
What is the reason then? You ask me in your slightly frightened voice. Well, children, the reasons are many and complicated and have to do with things like History and Economics that you neither understand nor care about.
But all hope is not lost! Well for you it is, but not for your children! You see you have now decided that you will one day make the Tooth Fairy, Santa, the Easter bunny and everyone else love YOUR children even more than they ever loved Jayden Tyler.
So you work hard in school, harder than anyone else, and you get into a private high school, and then go to a private university and grad school and you get a high paying job. You settle down with another person with a high paying job and you both work at jobs neither of you are sure you actually enjoy.
But then you have children and a dog, because why not, and you lavish them with gifts and experiences and love and everything seems great until one day you realize … you realize that your children are no more happy than you were as a child. And you cry yourself to sleep that night.
And you stay at your stupid job, sending your children out into the world to get stupid high-paying jobs for themselves. One day you finally reach retirement. Now you just sit in your too-large house because you never found out what you actually like to do. Then you die. Stress-induced heart attack. Go figure.
Your children have children who have children and soon no one remembers you. Our society falls, and we revert back to our primordial selves scurrying around in the dark just trying to survive. Then our sun expands, consuming the earth. Not long after that all matter-energy is scattered across the universe and nothing ever happens anymore. Our universe gets old and sluggish and collapses on itself and time ends and whatever happens after that happens.
You see all of this, the end of time and more, in the moment before your death, and you wonder why you ever cared that Jayden Tyler got $19.75 more for a stupid tooth than you did.
