Tide launches adult-proof packaging

With written and verbal warnings not being an adequate deterrent for curious nibblers, Tide Pods now test mental fitness before use.

In response to multiple injuries and deaths associated with people attempting to eat their Tide Pods product for reasons ranging from satiating a primal urge to gaining internet fame, Procter & Gamble has now relaunched the product with new adult-proof packaging. A spokesperson for the brand spoke on the decision in a recent press release.
“Procter & Gamble cares deeply about the safety of our patrons. In light of the new ‘Tide Pod Challenge,’ we have now deemed it necessary to heighten our safety precautions to both protect customers and limit liability in cases of misuse. We hope the public understands and continues to use our products as directed.”
The new packaging unveiled last week in stores across the nation to the confusion of many. Each Tide Pod now features a triple-lock protection system, with each layer testing different levels of mental fitness.
The first layer features a breathalyzer test, checking to see if the user has vaped in the past 24 hours. If passed, the layer breaks free and the user may continue.
The second layer scans the room for recording equipment. If the sensors detect a camera in near vicinity to the user, the Tide Pod automatically self-destructs and sends out an Electromagnetic Pulse to destroy all nearby electronics. If the room is cleared, the user can move on.
The final layer is simply a question of the user’s intentions. “To eat or not to eat?” Answering correctly grants access to the laundry pods.
“These security measures will be randomized to assure veracity,” continued the spokesperson. “Again, we apologize that this has become a necessary feature, but we assure that the cleaning power of Tide remains just as fantastic as before.”
The public has had mixed feelings about this product redesign.
“Well, I for one think it’s great! These days, it’s not just kids that need supervision.” says concerned mother of four Shelby Fosters, “Millennials will put just about anything in their mouths.”
The internet, however, has not taken so kindly to these changes.
“How DARE @Tide try to stop us from partaking in thE mOSt DanGErOUs SnACc??!! I thought this was AMERICA!” said Twitter user IntellectualMeep.
“Ok um but further forbidding the forbidden snack is just gonna make wanna me snack on it more, @Tide,” user KayJay28 tweeted.
Time will tell if these safety measures will be effective. Let’s just hope that people don’t try to eat bath bombs next.

Post Author: Sara Serrano