Tillerson clarifies calling Trump “dipshit,” not moron

It’s day 271 of the Trumptatorship, and this latest story truly gives me life. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has been accused of calling Trump a “moron” behind closed doors. Only, according to Tillerson, that is not really the case…

“Seriously? Y’all really believe I called him a moron?” We caught up with Tillerson shortly after the incident. “Wow, I’m downright befuddled. A moron is what you call somebody who drops their phone in the toilet or cuts you off in traffic. This human sweet potato is bumping uglies with Kanye West and the damn Ku Klux Klan! Y’all think I stopped at ‘moron’?”

When further questioned about the event, he gave us this simple response: “Dipshit. The man is nothing but a half-wit, war-mongerin’, good-fer-nothin dipshit, and that’s what I called him.”

Tillerson was clearly very upfront about the incident, seeming to lack any regret for his comments. He is known throughout the Senate as quite the “loose-cannon but always gets the job done with a cold indifference because there’s no one else who can do it and is only motivated by a drive to honor those he has lost by working hard and upholding his integrity lest the tragedies of his past be in vain” type. He has achieved signatures from other countries on very controversial proposals with nothing but strong words and a soul-piercing glean. It is even rumored that he made the previous ruler of Tunisia sign over the rights to 1,000 acres of oil fields and his resignation without ever saying a word or breaking eye contact.

When considering all of Tillerson’s experience, it is really no surprise at how vocal he is with his opinions. “My damn name is Rex, were you expecting some cardigan-wearin’, frappe-drinkin’, flap-jawed iWatch douchebag? I’m a badass, not a jack-wagon.”

Tillerson does not seem to worry about his job much either, stating he feels it is very secure despite Trump’s initial firing spree. “That limey orange ain’t got the stones to can me. He needs me, I handle foreign affairs. As in, I make sure other countries ain’t fixin’ to bomb us every other week. Which is something they become very inclined to do whenever Donnie gets up on stage talkin’ about ‘deport Muslims’ this and ‘build a wall’ that, so it’s within his and everyone’s best interest that I stick around and try my damndest to convince these ambassadors we’re not all like him.”

It is true, that while Tillerson may be a little rough around the edges, the nation needs him. He has handled all kinds of stressful and dire situations in his lifetime. From the 2003 Alaskan-Russia Settlement, to the Swiss Trade Agreement of 1987, to the 2017 Trump Administration. Therefore if there is anyone capable of holding this country together, it is Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. We all have a lot to learn from this man, starting with learning that Donald Trump is a dipshit.

Post Author: Sam Harrell