Here are a few Halloween costumes that are not irreverent or disrespectful in any way (and definitely not stupid).
1. Sexy Gandalf — Three words: Just. The. Beard. You’ll be covered by a gray mane of magical follicle-produced hair that should cover up all the necessities. You shall not pass as a party pooper with this ensemble straight from the depths of Middle-earth. Heck, add some stockings if you need to, or that enticing hat, but I would say it is unnecessary with Gandalf’s natural appeal. Added bonus of being able to ride away on giant eagles. Choose this for when Halloween arrives precisely when it means to.
2. Minion — What better way to look attractive than dressing up as a yellow, balding, sometimes-cycloptic henchman of Steve Carell doing a villain impression? Benefits to this one are being in one of the world’s greatest heists, constant baby talk, being adorable as well as sexy and accomplishing someone’s evil plan of turning my favorite wholesome animated proletariat into a ruinous mass of depravity. Just take a normal Minion costume (they are everywhere) and then lose everything but the goggles! So evil!
3. Pizza rat — Guys, here me out. Pizza? Eh, five out of 10 sexy. Rat? Also about a five. But put those Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers together and voila! You have a 10 out of 10 costume sure to water the mouths of your guests, stoners and the entire animal order of Rodentia! Just get a normal pizza costume, cut out the legs, snip off all that useless top crust and add some patches of mangy fur. I am getting all worked up just thinking about this one!
4. Any PBS character ever — All right, this is a large subject, so I’m going to have to generalize here. Anyone on “Sesame Street” may be off limits for this. You shouldn’t even do it. I mean really shouldn’t. Burt and Ernie are actually pretty fine where they are, and “Sesame Street” is not in a red light district. In the dragon department, Zach and Wheezey would make a great couples costume. But, you know, they are siblings and all. As far as Hacker from “Cyberschase” goes, anyone able to pull off that look just needs help anyway. Now, other PBS characters are pretty much free game. Except for Mr. Rogers. That man is so incredibly beautiful, there is no one worthy of dressing up like him. Sexy or otherwise.
5. Grizzly Bear — OK. Bear with me. This one may be unbearable, but this is my burden to bear upon you this costume if you are forbearing enough. Go mostly bear skinned, like a barbearian, and wear bearly-there clothes, maybe something threadbear. I also suggest going out into the woods and refusing to shave for a couple years, forgetting your language, and surviving on whatever you can forge or kill for a while, wear a bear-skin rug as a cape, with the head over your face like a hood. People will ask you for your number faster than they can say, “Hey, boo boo!”
6. Mailman — This one may be pushing the envelope, but we are going to send it anyway. The brilliance of this little number is how you don’t even need to make it any more sexy than it already is. The uniform, the mail, the friendly demeanor. Speaking of the uniform, go with something classic; the mid-sixties uniform is a sure way to deliver the package. Next, cut off the arms. Last, slit the pants into shorts as short as you can make them, and that will raise every red flag in suburbia. This one is sure to get the job done in rain, sleet or snow.
7. Moth — All the others are dedicated to lighting up the party. But if a light is already there, then this costume will go perfectly. Imagine all your friends dancing on the floor and you come in with wings flapping like crazy to attack the disco ball in a desperate thirst for satisfaction. I would suggest throwing on a couple of wings, just some cloth nothing fancy. The hard part is the face. You need that hungry, desperate moth face to be furry, mothy and sexy. Add some glowing eyes for full effect. Last, throw some carefully-placed antennae over your more personal areas and you are done! When this meme dies in like a week, it will be less funny. Plan ahead and make it a zombie moth so you can be a resurrected meme for Halloween!
8. Bob Ross —The world’s most beautiful man just got a lot sexier. I would suggest for this one to throw on the most alluring afro in your collection. Next, add the painting outfit. That thing is gorgeous. The most important thing to remember about dressing up as his wonderfulness is to make sure you are your happy little self on the inside. If you wish to go as Bob, remember one thing: no mistakes! Just happy accidents!
9. Mr. Krabs — Woo woo! You have arrived at sexy crustacean station! Is sexualizing a cartoon character from our childhoods wrong? Yes, of course! But in the spirit of Mr. Krabs, we are going to do it anyway, for money! For this costume, just get naked and lie out in the sun for a couple days until you are a nice deep red. PVC pipe works well for prosthetic claws, and fashion some antennae from pipe cleaner. AGAGAGAGAG!
10. Ear of corn — This classic is a staple for the fall. Now store bought costumes are all fine and dandy, but what you really need to do is make one from actual ears of corn. Just start collecting them a couple weeks in advance until you have enough. Then shuck those suckers, sew ‘em together and slip inside. You may look like a monster from a bad horror movie, but if you cut out the midriff, by golly, you’ll be the sexiest monstrosity ever to grace the fields of the American heartland.