Before University Ambassadors are sent back to the factory for tour reconditioning, here is a list of the best lies you heard when you toured TU’s campus for the first time.
1. If you want a fast, reliable option for getting around campus, try our Yellow Bike Program.
TU’s Yellow Bike Program loans free bicycles to members of the university community. The center for the bikes is open and therefore still advertised to potential students. In fact, you can find several students on a given day riding their yellow bikes to-and-fro class! Also, try out a new addition on campus, the Lime Scooters. Well, it was new in 2019.
2. TU’s finances are just fine. Please stop asking about it.
University Ambassadors are banned from understanding what “hemorrhaging money” means. Have you checked out the Campus Bookstore?
3. Sexual violence occurring against student on campus is handled swiftly and appropriately.
You can bet that our Campus Security, which is properly funded by the way, will be on the scene and attentive to any victim’s needs. Administration also does not ignore the complaints of victims and promptly responds to allegations, especially when it comes to allegations against fraternity members’ sexual misconduct. This is a school where sexual assault victims are lifted, supported, and—wait, are you sure somebody tampered your drink? Maybe you were just blackout drunk after one sip of your White Claw. You should have completed your mandatory training for alcohol safety.
4. You can find plenty of diversity on campus.
We are proud to host people of varying cultures, outlooks and languages; in fact, most of our students are from the St. Louis area! In class, you can listen to people from St. Louis ruthlessly and endlessly detail the exotic lifestyle of Missouri: the multitude of warring high schools, the names of neighborhoods (did you know some have French words?), Panera Bread’s real name, Imo’s Pizza preferences and Busch Light supremacy. You will beg for them to stop talking about fucking St. Louis. They will never cease.
5. Oh, the immortal sword master who travels our campus searching for a worthy adversary that will skillfully perform the killing blow, putting him once and for all out of his misery? Don’t worry about him! He’s fine.
Yeah, so maybe he drags his sword against the concrete as he walks, and it constantly makes this god awful screeching sound. That noise is how you know where he is and to avoid his path, lest you kindle the burning rage burning under his rusted chainmail, the animalistic, bloodthirsty itch he can never get scratched. He has killed maybe four freshmen who stumbled into his path last semester—that is the lowest it has been in years! Did you say you heard him moaning and pleading for the righteous champion, the one who will free him of these earthly confines? Yeah, whatever, dude, we’ve all been in Keplinger and wanted to die. He’s just dramatic.
