1. Playing in the sprinkler: When it comes to fun in the sun, nothing’s quite as good as needlessly depleting the water table and ignoring the advice of respected scientists. Looking at you, California.
2. Flagrantly abusing power: Nothing says summer fun like shooting an unarmed man eight times in the back and then planting evidence in self-defense.
3. Destroying the environment: Go hop in your bulldozer and destroy a beloved urban wilderness. Progress marches on, son.
4. Dousing a living tree with gasoline and setting it on fire: Revel in the rush that comes from doing something truly evil.
5. Fracking: I don’t know about you, but for me there’s nothing quite like dangerously unsettling the very ground we walk on in pursuit of unsustainable profits.
6. Sticking your fist in an active beehive: (only do this if you are a bear).
7. Coming to grips with the fact that your childhood is over, and that nothing will ever bring back the feeling of hearing the ice cream truck in your neighborhood, or catching fireflies without having to feel self-conscious and weighed down by the accumulated guilt and anxiety of adulthood: Just getting that out there.
8. Killing some ants with a magnifying glass: Just fuck ‘em right up.
9. Volunteering your ample time: Just kidding. Fuck other people, right?
10. Getting a fucking job: Let’s be serious here. I’m an adult. You, reader, are an adult. Summers spent in pure, innocent self gratification are a thing of the past for us. So really, just go get a fucking job and build your resume, you slacker.