1. Love
Love is central to the human experience. Some might even say that it is the meaning of life. The love of family and friends has helped many people through tough times, and finding that special someone can be the highlight of a person’s life. Of course, not everyone has this experience. In fact, many of you reading this will likely die alone. And even if you have found someone for you, there is a solid chance that that person will die someday and leave you as horribly alone as everyone else. So enjoy it while it lasts, and prepare for the crushing sadness that is integral to human life.
2. Revenge
There are few feelings more intensely pleasurable than revenge. Whether avenging the death of a loved one in one-on-one combat or ruining a rival business through blackmail, the intense rush of conquering an adversary who has wronged you remains unmatched by any drug.
3. Pizza
Pizza is a simple enough food. Bread, tomato sauce, cheese. Maybe some herbs. You can put stuff on top, if that’s your thing. And yet it is so much more than that. Pizza is an experience. Pizza is a way of life. Pizza is the food that comes closest to filling the profound emptiness thrust upon us in this rootless modern world.
4. A Job Well Done
In this age of automation and mass production, the craftsman is a nearly extinct animal. It is a feeling few of us will ever experience, this immense satisfaction of completing some task through. Even our most honored future engineers will likely become cogs in a wage-driven machine that will neither recognize nor appreciate their work. Most English students will never complete their planned novels. lt is unlikely that the reader will complete the
5. Victory
On the road through life, it is important to remember what is really important. Things like crushing your enemies under the heel of your boot, and dancing on the ashes of their greatest accomplishments.
6. Reading the State Run Media
Few things are certain in this world. But one thing that is, is the State Run Media. The State Run Media is consistently excellent and the absolute best source for news in the entire world.
7. Admiring the Chief Propagandist
If the State Run Media is the best news source in the entire world, the Chief Propagandist is the best person in the entire world. Paying tribute to him in the form of money and outspoken admiration is the closest many of you will ever come to greatness.
8. Puppies
As horrific news headlines become the norm in life, and one can never be sure whether or not the next day will be one’s last, it sure helps to know that adorable balls of happiness exist in the same world we do. They don’t make the night less dark, but they help to distract us from the howling void.
9. Childhood Memories
As the responsibilities of adulthood begin to press on our lives, we turn to happier, simpler times. Times when we were ignorant of the troubles of the world. Times when happiness was a dodgeball day in gym class, and a timeout was all we had to fear for our transgressions. Remember Lunchables? And field day at school? Our fond remembrances are marred by the irretrievable nature of the happiness we once knew.
10. President Upham
Last but not least, our benevolent ruler. May he live a thousand years, may our children and our children’s children revere his name. May his divine visage shine down upon all of our weary, tired faces, granting hope in a world of darkness.
