With no other avenues to follow, the COVID-19 mitigation efforts of TU are trying any half-sensible idea.
As the Omicron variant ravages the state of Oklahoma, The University of Tulsa’s Division of Risk Management hopes to thwart any potential danger to the student body. Safety measures have been put into place: sending weekly emails about the state of campus’s infection rate, randomly selecting students for COVID tests and gently recommending students to wear masks. With a current positivity rate of just under 15 percent, the Risk Management team has decided to get a little creative with their approach to the highly contagious variant.
On Wednesday, the group unanimously decided in a show of fuck-all and placed conspicuous candy bars around campus to lure in that pesky Omicron. These chocolates come with a surprise, however: they are attached to a string that causes a cardboard box to fall, effectively trapping any sugar-fiending viruses.
This plan comes after several hare-brained schemes from the Risk Management office. First, TU students sat enraptured as the group tried to light dynamite on that wily fucker—only to watch patches of grass get singed and cheer when Keplinger Hall exploded. Then, the TU administration attempted to climb into a wooden horse, knock on the walls of Omicron’s compound and pretend to be an offering from the gods. The virus caught onto that ruse, though, because Risk Management already tried it with the Delta variant. Fueled by desperation, the Risk Management team has placed these candy bar traps as a true-and-tried last resort.
While TU claims the results of the cardboard boxes have been promising, witnesses to the unearthing of these traps have only seen some library cats and stray STEM students caught with chocolate smeared around their lips.
Frankly, some of the university’s staff was surprised TU was being so proactive with something that was not spending millions to plaster the school’s name on a building. Then, any commending comments were silenced by the administration’s unanimous measure to increase the salary for all members because this COVID stress has been really hard on them, you guys, and don’t you want to see another catered, fancy lunch for one of the highest-paid college administrations in the country? Have a heart during these unprecedented times, won’t you?
When asked why not provide N95 masks for free to students or require vaccinations, TU simply plugged their ears and hummed the Hurricane Fight Song, interspersing the tune with exclamations of “I’m not listening!”
Indeed, this variant is the toughest adversary the University of Tulsa has ever faced—well, besides True Commitment, but only, like, half of the graduating class can remember that now. Only time will tell if these cardboard box traps will be able to mitigate potential infections.
