On January 20 Donald Trump walked into the White House as the official sitting president. However, not everything was as he expected it to be. The first thing President Trump noticed that wasn’t quite right was the floor.
“It didn’t feel quite presidential.” he told the State-Run Media. “While the tile was quite nice, if a bit bland, it seemed to be covered in dirt and other… substances.” Whenever he picked up his feet, his shoes seemed to want to stay on the floor. As he peeled his soles off the tile they made an “unsavory sound.”
Then he noticed everything else. There were various alcoholic beverages strewn about all over the place. All the couch and seat cushions seemed to be missing. Various lamps and chairs were knocked over. There was an odd earthy smell in the air. “It was like the Obamas threw a huge party last night and then didn’t bother to clear up. Sad.” said Trump. The Obamas did not respond to our inquiries on the matter.
The situation room table had been converted into the most epic beer pong table ever. (The white house tea set was used instead of solo cups.)
Pizza boxes littered the Roosevelt Room and there was a pillow fort built in the Blue Room. “When I went into the pillow fort, which was poorly constructed compared to my pillow forts, Joe Biden was sleeping in there with the Medal of Freedom around his forehead,” the new President said. “I told him ‘Get outta here, Joe. You don’t belong here anymore. Go on, get!’”
Finally, one of the pillars in the South Portico was painted to look like a giant, orange phallus. “That part I was actually okay with,” said Trump, who also assured us that his hands were a completely normal size.