This week, the State Run Media intercepted a memo from the administration on policies for handling cases of student complaint, particularly recent ones due to lack of adherence to university policies and bogus disciplinary action.
The memo states that there is only one clear path for dealing with these complaints. Faculty are to “place their fingers firmly in their ears and sing ‘nananananana’ until the complainant goes away.”
The memo reads “Look guys, I know these policies are glaringly unfair in their suppression of free speech, and the complaints against them are legitimate, but you’ve just got to ignore that. If we ignore the situation long enough, obviously, it will go away.”
University Employees were warned not to in any way acknowledge that someone with a complaint about the policies or a question about the recent Trey Barnett case in any way exists and especially not to “look into their hellish judgmental eyes.” In the case that faculty do accidentally look at or acknowledge the existence of a student, they are instructed to “quickly glance away and try to look like you were just glancing around the room. Like a seventh grader at their first dance.”
If asked directly by anyone about the Barnett case or the University’s harassment policy, faculty are to “pretend they said something about the weather or, barring that, allege that the person asking has cooties.”
Faculty are cautioned to “in no way acknowledge that these complaints exist. In fact, what are complaints? And what are policies? No one ever complains and policies are made to be broken. No one can prove this is unfair. No one. We dare you to try to prove anything. We double dog dare you.” At press time, the philosophy staff was hard at work on rebuttals to the concepts of fairness and existence.