The University of Tulsa consoles art students with promises of big e-sports wins.
In these worrying times — with winds of change intangible and yet inexorably smothering — comfort and reassurance are crucial.
TU administration understands the uncertainty its students are feeling right now in the sudden wake of the True Commitment initiative. They see the distress and disquiet across campus and want to offer that comfort everyone is craving. Emails and forums aside, their newest announcement to soothe the burning hearts of crushed art students? A brand new TU e-sports team.
Currently holding tryouts for the Fall 2019 season, TU e-sports will feature an elite gaming squad that will travel the country to compete in national gaming events against other university teams.
“With the money we’ve been able to save by sunsetting TU’s less popular majors, we now have the cash to fund a team that is sure to bring joy and pride to the whole school, especially those most affected by the budget cuts,” said TU e-sports Coach Jack Palmer.
TU’s one and only e-sports team, this elite squad (tentatively named Threat Level Midnight) will specialize in one particular video game to take to gaming conferences across the U.S. Their game of choice? Curiously, Tetris 99, a battle royale version of the classic tile-matching puzzle ‘80s hit.
“After careful analysis and consideration, we’ve settled on Tetris 99 as our main. It’s the perfect choice!” said Coach Palmer. “At the moment, there are no active tournaments for this game, meaning that we have no competition! We’ve already won! Go TU!”
Go TU indeed. This brilliant piece of strategizing is going to ensure many championship titles, trophies, medals and, most important, a steady stream of money back into TU.
“We’ve already received interest from many companies interested in sponsoring us,” said Coach Palmer. “Intel, Shell, New Balance, Alien Games, Four Loko, etc.”
“I mean, yeah, I’m pretty bummed out about my major being eliminated,” said TU theatre major Florence Mauve. “But at least it was all for a good cause! I can’t wait to see TU finally dominate in something and kick some virtual butt!”
If this first season goes well, and there’s really no way it won’t, plans are already being drawn up for a new, high-tech e-sports stadium, set to be built over the cleared rubble of Kendall Hall after the building is destroyed in 2020.
Nestled comfortably between computer science and athletics, TU e-sports can rest easy in knowing that the program will remain immune from any future budget cuts the university will surely make.