TU freshman learns all she needs to know in first week

As is always the case with the start of a new semester, some new students end up in classes they can’t handle. Others start classes they ultimately find too easy.

Rachel Mattingly, a freshman this year, had been extremely excited to take Intro to Philosophy.

“Rachel started off really enthusiastically,” reported her professor, Soren Malchek. “Based on her participation in class during the first week, she seemed like a promising student.”

Just one week later, however, Mattingly suddenly refused to attend the class, leaving many of her friends confused.

When we at the State-Run approached Mattingly about this, she stated that she felt she had “nothing to gain” from her continued presence in the classroom. She has instead opted to use the course textbook to further her “Accelerated enlightenment” endeavor.

Mattingly has already read through the second chapter, a full 20 pages ahead of those who stayed in class. “True enlightenment must be unlocked through a journey of solitude and study,” stated Mattingly, who smelled strongly of clove cigarettes. “That and occasionally looking stuff up on Wikipedia.”

Mattingly has allegedly cut ties with friends and family to seclude herself from the “noise of humanity.” A previously close friend of the student, Cosette Salt, reported that after asking Mattingly to join her for dinner, she received the answer that “Her paltry attempts at human connection were futile and childlike, and would ultimately serve no greater purpose.”

In an effort to educate all those who are “too ignorant to educate themselves” on the finer points of philosophy, Mattingly has taken to posting the fruits of her contemplation via Twitter. She has also stated that she hopes to branch out to Instagram by the start of the fourth chapter, and come up with a new form of stable government by the sixth.

Mattingly’s friends have given up on any hope of her returning to her old self. Professor Malchek, however, remains optimistic. According to him, Mattingly is going through a rare, but not unheard of, reaction brought on by exposure to new ideas. He believes it is just something that will have to run its course.

“They usually only make it to chapter 10 or so,” says Malchek, “Around that time, she should realize her enlightenment will never amount to anything, and she’ll give up.” In the meantime, any grade she had in the class will be completely ruined due to her excessive absences.

Post Author: tucollegian

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