New students at the University of Tulsa are settling into the school year, and discovering what college life is really like. One such student, freshman Carl Prodder, came to the State-Run Media with what he calls a “terrifying discovery”.
“This is real talk,” said Prodder in a self-scheduled media interview, “I have come upon the horrifying discovery that college requires actual work.”
A triple legacy, Prodder said he had been “pumped” for his freshman year at TU. “I was really looking forward to come to TU,” reports Prodder, “… Smoking alcohol, drinking weed, and finally getting the opportunity to do all the things my parents hate.”
Orientation week was “a breeze,” according to Prodder. “I made friends, and I felt like this was my time to shine.” But then, Prodder reports that things took a rather dark turn.
“Then the first day of school came,” Prodder said to State-Run reporters, his eyes suddenly glazing over. “I woke up that morning, groggy from the party before, and trudged to what I thought was my first class. I walked in to see a stern woman with the fury of a thousand and one scowls.” Prodder had apparently walked into class in the last 20 minutes. “But I mean,” defended Prodder, “it’s the school’s fault for giving me an 8am math class in the first place.”
“He randomly walked into my math class like his life depended on it” testifies sophomore Freddie Aster, Prodder’s classmate and fraternity brother. “The teacher was pissed, and I guess he was too embarrassed to realize he was completely in the wrong class. So he just went to a seat, sat down, and stared blankly at the smartboard. Then the teacher told us to pull out our textbooks.”
“No one ever told me,” claims Prodder, “but when you get to college, they actually stop providing textbooks.”
“When I asked him about it later,” reports Aster, “he said that since he already had to pay so much to go here, that the books should come with the courses. I did all of this my freshman year, so I guess I don’t really have any room to judge.” When asked if he felt any responsibility for the underclassmen in his fraternity, Aster shrugged. “I guess they never learn.”
When prompted as to who should be held responsible, Prodder got on a soap box: “Who do I blame? Society. The point? School sucks, and if they’re going to require me to do real work, I might as well drop out.”