TU headhunts Dick Cheney to lead new hunting department

Is the former vice president in the sights for TU’s scouting squad?

Tulsa OK – Looking to innovate in fields of study, TU is headhunting a leader for a new hunting department and rumors are, Dick Cheney is their number one prospect. Under fire for their discriminatory hiring practices, The University of Tulsa takes aim at shooting down the negative press by hiring a person from the most oppressed group: Republican politicians.

President Brad Carson is credited for reaching out to his old buddy to whom he referred as “Lil Cheney.” “Yeah, I called him up to reminisce over the good ole’ Patriot Act days and one thing led to another and he brought up that his real passion was hunting.” Brad went on to explain how this phone call inspired him to innovate by creating a new department.

Brad then explained how he reached out to Cheney to ask him about the position. He provided us with a script of the phone call.

Carson asked, “Hey, buddy, I know this is a total shot in the dark, but would you be interested in heading a new hunting department at The University of Tulsa?” Cheney responded, “Hey Brad, you know I might consider it. I do not have in the sights currently and this seems like quite the opportunity to shoot some ‘deer.'”

The Oklahoma legislature, after voting to ban books that include women and poor people, made a public statement of support for the direction TU is headed. The joint statement read, “We cannot wait to see who and what the former Vice President shoots for next! Despite his shakey position with Trump, you have got to support Cheney because of his dedication to breaking both federal and international law to torture people. We, as representatives of the Aryan people of Oklahoma, want to emulate that vibe.”

Some detractors to the plan pointed out Cheney’s history of torture and accidently shooting a man when looking for quails. One student explained, “As a quail furry, this is quite possibly the worst case scenario for me.” Another student from the Political Science Department asked, “Have we not already hit our war criminal quota in administration?”

The main takeaway is that TU’s administration is embracing the pressures from the state government to become an arm of the military industrial complex, and this in the short term is going to be great for students who can make significant salaries by building weapons for the inevitable WWIII in which we commit unspeakable war crimes in the name of freedom, burning the (already on fire) planet with nuclear weapons and slogans of cis-straight-white supremacy, as our God, “The Invisible Hand,” slowly strangles the last semblance of humanity left as we breathe our last breaths.

At press time, sources tell us that TU is also scouting Henry Kissinger and George W. Bush to head the new war crimes department, and rumors say Bill Clinton is being considered as the new head of the Title IX office of compliance. What else will our brave leader Brad Carson have in store for us! As I–your beloved head propagandist–will be retiring, I will continue to look at the university from afar with a loving, pessimistic and judgemental lens.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison