A strange transition has been underway these past few weeks at the University of Tulsa. As the story about the TU Administration’s totally justified actions to suppress free speech has been picked up by national news outlets, a certain subset of the TU student population has been disappearing.
Hipsters, defined by their plaid shirts and distinctive music, among other characteristics, are being spotted less and less around campus. A quick peek into recent transfer records has revealed that almost all of them are transferring to the same place: Oral Roberts University.
According to the State Run Media’s resident hipster and noted ORU lover Abi LaBounty, the transfers are being organized by the National Alliance of Hipsters (NAH). “Yeah last week’s NAH newsletter, delivered by carrier pigeon and written on homemade papyrus, told us that we all had to transfer over to Oral if we wanted to keep our Hipster card. It’s what all the cool kids aren’t doing,” stated LaBounty in an interview.
“I love it here,” said David Wilson, a newly-transferred ORU student. “The people here are totally old-school. One guy even told me he prays every night before he goes to bed. How retro is that?
At first the NAH refused to answer my questions and threatened to take legal action if I were to publish the article but quickly changed their mind because, “Intimidating journalists is so last week” They confirmed that the transfers were related to the recent press TU was receiving but informed me that it had nothing to do with the negative nature of that press.
“We of the NAH, noticing the recent articles in such publications as The Huffington Post, were worried that the University of Tulsa would be receiving too much attention and that people might have heard of the school when NAH members talk about it,” stated the letter, also on papyrus.
John Williams, former TU hipster and current ORU student, stated in an interview that the transition was “going well.” Williams and the other hipsters have found the radical ideology of the school to be “different” and “refreshing.”
“I’ve never really been religious, so I was worried about having to convert to Christianity,” said Williams. “But I’ve been really getting into Coptic monasticism. Real first-century stuff, you probably wouldn’t have heard of it.”