Too fast to be caught on tape, this is an artist’s rendering of The Golden Hurricanator on a rampage. graphic by Sarah Le

TU mecha-bike robot on scooter rampage

A string of campus bike burglaries led to a chilling mechanized discovery.

Where the hell are all the campus bikes going? They have been stolen, misplaced and hung in trees at random times. And still there are plenty unaccounted for.

Could it be that a thief means to fence them off? Not likely. Campus bikes are hardly a hot commodity. When was the last time you saw someone in the mafia riding around on a yellow TU bike somewhere downtown?

Perhaps the administration is repossessing them as a way to pay back the debt we all inherited? Possibly. But what would they do with them? They would never sell something that is usually offered for free and melting them down as pure scrap metal would not quite bridge that gap.

So, there is one logical conclusion left: there must be a giant Lime Scooter-eating death robot. Made from TU bikes. Let’s call it the Golden Hurricanator.

The massive structure, given the 4,269 bikes (and counting) that have gone missing over the past few years, would have to be around 300 feet tall, and way close to 7,100 tons.

To dive deeper into the fascinating topic, the film “Pacific Rim” gives some context for the size and power of these massive metal menaces. The film’s director, Guillermo del Toro, commented on the issue.

“Holy crap! That Golden Hurricanator is absolutely mind-boggling,” said del Toro.

Now tracking the missing bikes leads to a giant robot pretty clearly, right? Of course. No brainer. The folks down in Stevenson could probably build one themselves given enough time, Rockstar™ energy drinks and bikes.

But there’s another half to this story, a darker, lime-scented part.

According to the CEO of Lime, Brad Bao, Lime scooter violence has been on the rise.

“Three of our Tulsa scooters were destroyed yesterday! At that rate, we would lose over a thousand a year,” said Bao.

“I understand that people get annoyed with all the TU students riding around in front of moving cars. I am sure that the citizens of Tulsa have all wanted to yeet one of our scooters off the Route 66 bridge. But something else has to be at play here for us to hit that rate.”

The argument for the existence of Hurricanator seems more likely with each passing day. In fact, some locals have even claimed to see it.

“SO. MUCH. YELLOW!” said local bartender Larry Herbert. Covered in dust and breathing heavily, Herbert barely squeaked out his story before passing out.

“I was riding a Lime scooter, minding my own business, when this giant robot came out of nowhere and threw me onto the concrete. When I looked up, I saw it. It looked like the Transformer™ Bumblebee™ had donned Samurai armor and an attitude. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen!”

So the question remains: if there is a Hurricanator gobbling up Limes like there were no tomorrow, then who built it?

Did an Engineering professor have a bad run-in with a Lime scooter rider? Or is this a student’s final project? Perhaps the film department let one if its special effects get away from them. Whoever built it, they need to fess up and fix this.

Because that thing is goddamn terrifying.

Post Author: Brennen Gray