Tulsa Police Department celebrates first prevented crime in its history

By preventing its first crime ever, can the TPD gain itself some much-needed positive press in the wake of a tide of negative coverage?

In a historically unprecedented event, the Tulsa Police Department announced they managed to prevent a crime from occuring in the first place, laying to rest the long-held leftist critique that police action is purely reactionary. The department public relations team put out a statement proclaiming that they “are here to serve and protect, and protecting citizen drivers from the danger of jaywalking is no exception.”

The department has dealt with some negative press lately surrounding the officer put on paid leave for explaining how he enjoyed beating protestors in the protests following the police killing of George Floyd. This among other continuous controversies has led to the local chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police condemning the “unfortunate use of factual evidence to libel our boys in blue.”

Could this positive press be what the TPD is looking for to combat the growing skepticism of the efficacy of a heavily militarized and racially biased police state?

To find out, we asked input from some students from Tulsa to get their opinion on the subject. One man who refused to call himself anything other than “Buffalo Phil”–and refused to elaborate how he was at all related to Buffalo — drunkenly explained: “Oh, I love the police now. This story is inspirational. If it weren’t for that one stupid jaywalker at the crosswalk by the gym, I’d still have my license and would have one less DUI.”

A corset-wearing, gun-toting, goth person who goes by “The Communist Formerly Known as Katherine” had a different reaction. They argued “just because those pigs committed an act of violence against a civilian we are supposed to sing their praises? I think not. Until abolition is achieved, we can never be free.” I think they had more to say on the subject, but I got scared and ran away.

Governor Stitt was quoted taking credit for the improvement in the police department’s numbers. “Only under my leadership could this have happened. The concept of general deterrence means if you stop one crime you prevent them all which is what I have now done. Crime is no more in Oklahoma, just like I said in the debate.” Mayor Bynum backed him up, stating, “I agree with whatever he said.”

The police are the backbone of our city. It’s hard to imagine what Tulsa would look like without someone to call when someone harrasses you, so they can say “we will file a report and get back to you” and then go harass some unrelated, unarmed minorities, or sit around waiting for someone to drive six mph over the speed limit.

At press time we received word that the officer responsible for the prevented crime was willing to make comment on the event. He narrated, “I know, it’s hard not to view this as an individual action, but only with my training and the continuous support of my police brothers and sisters was I able to hit that jaywalking man with my car before he could even leave the curb.”

For legal purposes this is satire. The police have yet to prevent a crime.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison