University installing mandatory gun use training because ‘you’re on your own’

The training was accompanied by new policy encouraging all students to strap up.

As it does every fall, the university has recently released its mandatory online trainings. The usual consent and alcohol use trainings are present, but students noticed this past Friday an additional unit added to the list: firearm usage. In an era of mass shootings, of lacking sexual assault prevention methods and of religious prosecution by means of teaching evolution in schools, is this the solution campuses across America have been overlooking?

We reached out to the Dean of Students for comment. He explained that, “because we are not able or willing to work to prevent problems such as sexual assault or interpersonal violence, we decided that the best method of prevention was telling all the students to buy guns and stepping back.” This problem, he argued, “cannot be solved by putting up lights by frat row, or following through on rape cases or punishing or expelling rapists. So naturally, we thought the ability to defend yourself was more important. This is also a racial equality effort, as according to school policy, we expel Black students with guns and weed, not rapists nor white students with guns and weed. Now all students will be allowed to have guns.”

While the beloved Dean of Students touted the progressive effect of the new training, not everyone was as pleased. We talked to one Campo officer who had several concerns with some externalities of the new policy and its training. “How are we going to harass students of color if they have guns?” asked one skeptical mustached Campo officer. He also explained “my job is already scary because some of the students I have hit on have had pepper spray on them. Now that they will have guns, will I have to find another way to flirt with college students the age of my children? That is borderline Orwellian.”

I also reached out for response from some of the student political groups on campus for comment. A representative from the College Republicans had a mixed reaction, “on one hand, I love guns; on the other, I don’t want Blacks and gays to be armed.” The College Democrats explained that “Guns are not the solution to sexual assault or violence in general; we are better off compromising with the rapists, mass shooters and sinners. They are people too #resist #NancyPelosi.” After the verbal use of “hashtag,” I decided I was done interviewing for the week.

After taking the training, I am not convinced this will solve any of our campus’ problems, but the constant gunfire heard around campus does cover up the irritating sound of fireworks from the football stadium, so I will keep an open mind. Also, fraternity rivalries should be more interesting now, with which I have no problem. After years of Civil War reenactments, they can finally use real guns to vent their frustrations.

Post Author: Kyle Garrison