Weird cousins convene to discuss 2014 holiday season game plan

8 December 2014
Joe Watkins,

The National Convention of Weird Cousins will be held in Wichita, Kansas this year. It is likely that they will not be invited back.

Arriving for a two-day holiday summit, the most prominent weird cousins, from families across the nation convened this weekend to lay out their plans for the 2014 Holiday Season.

“First on our agenda will be wardrobe. It’s the first thing your family will see about you, so you have to make sure what you’re wearing is off-putting enough so that they take notice of it without becoming offended. To that end, we’ve chosen to go with an array of sleeveless graphic tees featuring either fantasy artwork or characters from ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas,’” said Weird Cousin Spokesperson Clayton Boudreaux, who prefers to go by “Ace” and would really appreciate it if you called him that. “This really works out great, since we struck a sponsorship deal with Hot Topic recently.”

“We’re all very excited about this year’s holiday season,” said Carly Blightly outside of a talk titled “Showing Up Drunk: Do’s and Don’ts.” “Many of our most prominent Weird Cousins have made major breakthroughs in making family gatherings uncomfortable.”

Some of the conference’s featured talks included “Leather Trenchcoats and Other Must Haves,” “Getting High in the Back Yard,” “Arguing About Religion With Your Grandparents” and “Introducing Your Pregnant Girlfriend: How Late is Too Late?”

The most widely debated issues at each Weird Cousin Holiday Conference are usually the Dinner Topics. After several hours of private deliberation, the three most senior weird cousins emerge and announce the divisive, almost certainly political topics that they will bring up during family dinners and other social gatherings.

“Last year we went with the legalization of marijuana and the Snowden leaks, with a sort of violent revolutionary tilt to the language we used. This year, given the continuing unrest in Ferguson, most people are sort of expecting some sort of extreme opinion on law enforcement to be the central focus,” said Sam Hyde, an attendee and Weird Cousin.

“We are committed to ensuring you leave the dinner table wondering what that was all about,” said Boudreaux, ending his press briefing.

The conference was held in a hotel in downtown Wichita, directly across the street from the hotel hosting this year’s Racist Grandpa Convention and caddy-corner to the Highly Judgemental Unmarried Aunt Conference.