Wet weekend leads to dry coughs on our hallowed grounds

In true “I-will-peak-in-university” fashion,
the second weekend of the academic year was
jam-packed with events loaded with brewskis
and omicron. You read that right — brewskis.
Tasteless. It’s not a TU event without you ques-
tioning where your tuition payments are going
(because they’re definitely not going towards
elevator maintenance), and the Sip ‘N Slide
really pulled through. Nothing beats the heat
better than four giant pools, rank with post-
pubescent funk and twisted tea. Bonus points
if Sol or Pat Case happened to be most of the
attendees’ lunch of choice that day. In fact, ru-
mors spread that Shrek (the main character of
the “Shrek” tetralogy) was present on campus
and was seen arguing with President Brad Car-
son and the university’s strongest parking tick-
eting officer about whose swamp it was. Now I
wasn’t there for the altercation, but if punches
were thrown, expect there to be less leniency
regarding parking these next few weeks. Com-
muters, I know you’re already angry, but just,
like, go home or something. At least you can.
It would be remiss of me to not mention the
amount of bodies that were sharing space in
the span of the eight hour event. In the heat of
August, attendees would have been better off
perfecting their lime scooter hit-and-run tech-
niques to catch some breeze instead of sharing
empanadas, spreading disease and dancing to
LMFAO again. However, would it have been
acceptable to wear your Hardesty Hall show-
er shoes while going down one of the water
slides? Or would face masks have been wel-
comed in the pool? Disregard that; it would
have been a swift transition from Sip ‘N Slide
to Wasted ‘N Waterboarded. At least all of the
pool floats stayed upright without user error…
Oh wait.
On the other hand, the once-yearly occur-
rence of Tulsa football scoring more than two
touchdowns created an exciting atmosphere
for Victory Night on Fraternity Row. All of
Greek Life brought their cheap drinks of
choice and/or weak immune systems to Fra-
ternity Row the Saturday before last for an ex-
citing night of throwing it back to “Timber”
by Kesha. What exactly is Victory Night? For
those who may not know, it’s exactly what it
sounds like: a night of lost memories, spewing
chunks and misplaced significant others who
swore they “joined the communal Bible study
next door.” Spreading the Word while spread-
ing the Germs, as the Lord intended when he
placed our Presbyterian institution on this soil.
While I myself did not attend this metamor-
phosing event, I’m sure many of us have seen
the posts from the OnCall units on Yik Yak.
Here are some of the highlights:
“Thanking the lord the parties were on Sat-
urday so i don’t have to see my classmates I’ve
never talked to who saw me shake [redacted]
until tuesday” – Tulsa
“The way I would walk into each house last
night and starships was playing every time” –
Tulsa
“After getting plastered half naked and
swimming in each other’s filth + victory night
can Braddy pass out some Covid tests pls
(praying hands emoji)” – Tulsa
“I think I drank the last of my brain cells
away this weekend” – Tulsa
Now the age-old question is, was that week-
end a normal case of Frat Flu (the feelings of
passion between fraternity brothers following
an intense night of showering together to save
the land from this drought) or a reminder of
a global pandemic that started when all cur-
rent undergraduate students were still going
through puberty? The exams — I mean — the
Covid tests have proved absolutely nothing
(ahem, professors) other than the possibility
of students trying to continue their fellow-
ships following the revelations made between
the houses of Pi Kappa and Sigma Chi. On the
bright side, summer’s almost over, and hope-
fully so are these excuses for us students to
congregate in sickness and in health to escape
both FOMO and proper hygienic practices. Be
merry and masked in these times of crisis, mis
amigos.