There are many questions we have to ask ourselves as humans. Why are we here? What are we supposed to do with our gift of life? What used car should I buy? But with these questions, there is one that trumps them all: when can I be done with this shit? Well worry not, take the quiz and find out!
What quality are you best known for?
It’s a night with the boys. What sport are you all playing?
a) We’re just gonna go swimming in the lake.
b) Good ol’ American cage death match.
c) Wrestling, of course!
What was your most life-shaping experience?
a) Visiting the best taco truck at three a.m. while drunk
b) Seeing my enemies driven before me.
c) My mother dying of milk sickness.
What kind of family life do you want?
a) I’ll decide that later, maybe after I take the quiz that predicts my death.
b) I want to marry the strongest person I can find.
c) A spouse and three kids.
Ideal place to live?
a) In the forest, preferably in a box or shack of some sort.
b) A medieval style castle.
c) A log cabin would be nice.
How do you dress to impress?
a) I put on a dress shirt that I have never ironed, or even really washed.
b) Lots of leather.
c) Accenting my outfit with a fancy hat.
What does your ideal night on the town look like?
a) Just gonna grab some brewskis with the boys.
b) It always ends up in an alley.
c) Dinner and a show.
What’s your ideal job?
a) The fuck is a job?
b) Monster hunter by day, bouncer by night.
c) President of the United States.
What was your first real “adult” job?
b) Weapons manufacturing associate.
How do you want to be remembered?
a) Not at all; I want to immediately be forgotten.
b) As a badass.
c) I want my name on everything from postage stamps to the capital of Nebraska.
Mostly A: Unfortunately, you’re a two dimensional character that will be killed first. The best you can hope for is a surprise redemption, where the first attack didn’t actually kill you and you heroically stall the monster. The moviegoers will know that it was just shitty writing but will appreciate the badass nature of the character regardless. 11:30 p.m., October 31, 2020.
Mostly B: You’ll probably live forever, ha ha ha just kidding. You die in the year 2094 4:43 p.m. on August 4. As you die from old age, your family is gathered around your hospital bed, weeping. They all knew this day would come. Unfortunately as you did not die in some cave battling demons, they are a little disappointed in you. Sure, you did plenty of badass things; those were appreciated certainly. But not having one final badass character arc before you go made you look like a pansy. I mean, your family still loves you, but they just wanted something a little more action-packed.
Mostly C: 7:22 a.m. on April 15, 1865, is when you died, as 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln. You die by the hands of an angry theater major, who was mad at you for not being racist enough.