Which Clinton scandal are you?

1) Your hair is trending well with moderate voters, but the alt-right thinks it’s too masculine and fringe groups on the left are concerned that you’re using too much product. Meanwhile, there were 13,471 shooting deaths in 2015, but this hair thing is clearly more important.

A) Screw this! Get an undercut and dye it rainbow. At least they won’t be talking about your pantsuit anymore.

B) Stay the course. If you keep it the same, eventually they’ll forget it’s there, and they’ll have to start listening to you.

C) Grow it longer. Sure, you’ll have to take care of it more, and Saturday Night Live will do a bit on it, but at least Tim Kaine will stop accidentally calling you “sir.”

2) You wore your lime green pantsuit. Trump is accusing you of wearing gang colors, and the Bernie camp is upset that you’re using synthetic dye.

A) Start wearing a burqa. They won’t be talking about your pantsuit anymore, that’s for sure. As a bonus, you’ll appeal to the Muslim and too-lazy-to-wash-their-hair demographics.

B) Why do Jared Leto and Queen Elizabeth get to rock lime green, and you’re stuck with red, white, and beige? Ignore the haters, and keep trying to talk about tariffs.

C) Switch to navy blue pantsuits, and make sure none of them have shiny buttons. If you look like a very boring middle manager with a flag lapel pin, the media might forget that you have a body.

3) You said in a speech that online commenters are terrible people, forgetting that they’re also very loud and vengeful. Comments on articles about you around the internet are so much worse now, except for Youtube comments, which are about the same.

A) Start replying to comments. Arguing with people on the internet always works, and you literally went to Yale Law, which means you’ll totally be able to convince people.

B) Just ignore them. Responding to terrible people on the internet never works, and this way, you’ll have time to refine your policy proposals.

C) Publically apologize. If you give them what they want, they’ll probably stop. That’s how it works, right?

4) Pictures were taken of you at a Minnesota state fair eating a piece of candy corn. Due to your hyper-efficient metabolism, it provided all of the nutrition you needed for the day, but apparently most people have strong negative opinions towards candy corn.

A) Even though you only set aside several seconds per day towards eating, make a point to eat white chocolate and black licorice in public. Even if you eat only universally reviled food, you’re still better than Trump.

B) Keep eating whatever calorie-dense food you see nearby. Eventually, the public will forget about this, and they’ll move on to talking about something like your shoes or your handshake.

C) Ask your twitter followers to tell you what you SHOULD be eating, in five emojis or less. Ignoring all of the eggplants that Trump tweets you, you’ll eat mostly ramen, burgers, and martinis, but at least they might start listening to your policy ideas.

Mostly A: You are THE EMAIL SERVER

Ok, even you have to admit that this one is pretty bad. You kept classified emails on a private server which may or may not have been compromised, and some of the emails were deleted before federal investigators could see what they were. This is incompetent at best, and a lot of people have alleged that you were trying to hide something by deleting those emails, rather than just trying to free some disk space.

Like actual Hillary Clinton, you really don’t give a shit. Sure, some people make a lot of noise about this, but what are they gonna do? Not vote for you? Anybody who wears a, “Lock the bitch up” t-shirt was never going to vote for a woman anyway.

Mostly B: You are BENGHAZI

A US Embassy in Libya was attacked in 2012, with several Americans, including a US Ambassador, being killed. You were accused by some of not adequately preparing for attacks as Secretary of State, or even of knowing about the attack and not doing anything. Of course, the public knows about it mostly as a buzzword, and now that Michael Bay made a movie about it, it will live on forever in the public imagination as Jim from “The Office” shouting, “Are we expecting friendlies?” for two hours straight.

Similar to Michael Bay, people keep making fun of you, and insisting that you’re incompetent, but whenever you do something, it always makes bank. House Republicans spent $7 million investigating Benghazi and couldn’t find any evidence of wrongdoing, kind of like how we spent billions of dollars paying to watch “Transformers” movies, even though we know that they’re all the same.

Mostly C: You are YOUR COOKIES

When you refused to quit your job while your husband ran for president, you made an offhand remark about not staying home and baking cookies. We not only interpreted that as a slight against all stay-at-home moms, but, as a nation, forced you to submit a cookie recipe to a cookie contest, which you went on to win. Twice.

Similar to your oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, people see you and at first they’re like, “Ew, oatmeal raisin?” But then you’re like, “Of course not oatmeal raisin. You keep telling me not to be oatmeal raisin, so I’m not oatmeal raisin,” to which they respond, “Seems pretty inauthentic.”


Remember back in 1999, when liberals were all like, “Eww, gay marriage, gross!” Well, apparently nobody else does, but they really like to bring up the fact that you said that marriage was a sacred bond between a man and a woman. 25% of the country changed their mind on gay marriage in the last 20 years, but apparently you’re not allowed to do the same. It’s like the time that Michelle threw a party, but nobody told you that it was BYOB, so you had to mooch off of Barack.

Like a grandparent at a gay wedding, who thinks it’s great that Stephen and Brandon are “such good friends,” you’re a little behind the times. Sure, 2013 was a little late to get behind the gay agenda, but you just wish that somebody would have told you sooner that your party was pivoting.

Post Author: tucollegian

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