“Why does the media hate me?” Trump asks while strangling Bob Woodard

Trump has claimed to be the victim of a media bias against non-politicians running for president. When asked about this claim during a press conference, he said, “Why does the media hate me so much?” while he strangled Bob Woodward, the journalist known for investigating Watergate, who had asked about the details of his policies too often. “I don’t see anyone else getting this much hate! It’s only me, and let me tell you why,” he continued while sliding Woodard behind the stage. “It’s because they’re scared I’ll make them all look dumb. They don’t want to question their views, they don’t want to be wrong.”

He then announced a new part of his platform. “I want to make these attacks against me, these lies, illegal.” He said, “And they should be illegal, they’re trying to make me into something I’m not.” He then mentioned several things he said while claiming he never said them. When reporters tried to tell him this, he had them thrown out of his rally. How dare they.

One reporter asked Trump if he had looked up articles on Hillary Clinton in the last few days. “No,” he responded, “Why would I waste my time looking at her? I don’t want to waste my time reading articles praising her.” As we all know no one hates Hillary Clinton, especially on the internet.

The conference continued as Trump began to use newspapers as tissues for his runny nose and as his security began to escort out newspaper reporters who brought up things Trump said. “Do you really want to increase metadata collection?” asked one reporter who was then shoved into a burlap sack and carried out. “Do you really think first-generation Muslim Americans are responsible for most terrorism?” another asked before being sucker-punched and dragged outside by the ankles. This continued until the conference ended while they were denied by Donald Trump even though these are things he absolutely said.

After the conference there was a small meet-and-greet. All supporters seemed happy with the decision to throw out all opposition. Alice Walter, a supporter since Trump announced his candidacy, said “They’re disgusting. They abuse their power as a reporter to come after people like Trump.” When asked, Alice said she absolutely would vote for Trump this year, “He tells it like it is.”

Post Author: tucollegian

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