Wingman targeted ads score me a date

Who needs privacy when you have Ben & Jerry’s?

If it weren’t for targeted ads, I am not sure how I would’ve made it through my rough breakup. I was heartbroken after my boyfriend of two weeks dumped me. I had no one to turn to, so what did I do? Go on the Internet, of course.

I’m not sure if it was my sudden lack of taking Buzzfeed quizzes like “Which of these unconventional animal couples are you and your bae?” or if my phone just listened into my conversation with Stacy about how I’ll probably be forever alone, but suddenly I was getting tons of targeted ads coming my way.

First it was Ben & Jerry’s, which really had my back for phase two of the breakup: the pig-out. With the coupon they provided, I only spent $40 on ice cream!

Next, I started noticing that I was getting ads from all of these flower companies. One of them had this nifty service called “Flowers for you, from you” where they will send you a bouquet of flowers each week to your place of business, complete with a handwritten love note that you sent in! I can’t tell you how many death glares I got from Tracy at the gym last week. She was totally jealous.

Netflix seemed to be in the loop as well, as they started giving me different recommendations than my usual “Netflix and Chill” go-tos. Out were the D-list scary movies and in were wholesome classics like “Great British Baking Show” and “Dexter.”

Targeted ads even got me out doing some good in the world! When I got to my lowest of lows, the dire-need-of-cuddles stage of the break-up, I conveniently received ads for the local animal shelter. All of the fluffy faces got me out of bed for once and into the furry arms of adorable cats and dogs. It even helped me score a cute selfie for the obligatory “Look-how-good-I’m-doing-after-the-breakup” post.

I was going to sign up for Tinder, but targeted ads had my back and sent Bumble ads my way instead. Now, I’m two days strong with my beau Chad! It says in his bio he’s an underwear model looking for that special someone, and after thirty combined minutes of messaging back and forth, I know he’s the one for me. Thank you, Facebook, Google, NSA or whatever stalker organization that has my back!

Post Author: Madison Connell