#1: Get rid of The Collegian

The Collegian is a complete rag that needs to be driven off of this prestigious campus.

First off, The Collegian actually pays their writers with real money. What a bunch of entitled little pricks. They think they deserve monetary reimbursement for their using their time and talents to produce written content? What chumps.

Here at The State-Run Media, we pay our writers with Xperience™. It’s a bit like experience, but instead Xperience™ is completely worthless instead of just mostly worthless. Every once in a while, we give them a little sticker that says, “You leveled up!”

Second, The Collegian is fucking trash. Did you know that they let students write down their opinions about almost any topic (current events, campus life, etc.) and then they’ll print these “opinion pieces”? Ugh, what garbage.

That’s not even the worst of it. So as to not confuse their readers (stoned slacker btw), The Collegian separates these “opinion pieces” from their news story and puts each article type into sections called “Commentary” and “News,” respectively. The absolute nerve of some people.

We here at The State-Run Media only serve our readers State-Sponsored Facts™. These are facts that have gone through an EXTREME VETTING process by our government. We want to let the good facts in and keep the bad facts out, and the best way to do this is EXTREME VETTING. And of course, we would never, ever let an opinion piece work it’s way into our paper.

“Now Adam,” you say to me stupidly, “Isn’t this piece you’re currently writing, a piece about how you think TU would be better off without The Collegian, isn’t this an opinion piece?”

Oh, dear reader. I know it might look like that. But it is an accepted FACT that the University of Tulsa would be better off without The Collegian. I have the government documents to prove it.

Post Author: Adam Lux