As the government falls apart, citizens man battleships, the Statue of Liberty is spray painted and Niagara Falls is full of suds. graphic by Conner Maggio

10 things to try this government shutdown

With the government closed, laws no longer apply. Take advantage with this list of things you’ve always wanted to do.

Trump has shut down the government. Now that the feds are dead, state laws are going to come next, followed by local. Behold the New World Order. And since anarchy has finally, by God’s will, triumphed over the tyranny of government, it is necessary draw up exactly what the freed ex-citizens of the United States of America can now do without the burden of laws. Below is the proposed list of buffoonery, hijinks and good ol’ fashioned shenanigans that the good people of this land can participate in.

1. Literal murder — The homicide you have always dreamed of! No laws, no punishments and none of that pesky justice that the government keeps shelling out. In fact, commit as many as you can! This would be like “The Purge: Election Year” except without all those creepy masks. Have fun, everyone! And may the odds be ever in your favor.

2. Graffiti the Statue of Liberty — It may sound a little on the angsty-rebellious-teen side, but since the government has shut down, not only would no one get in trouble, but some sick tags would symbolize the brave new world of lawless U.S.A. as well! Everyone, grab some cans of spray paint and brush up on your phallic imagery. Speaking of which, everyone should head to the Washington Monument with the leftover spray paint.

3. Elect a reality TV Star as president — No more government, and no regulations on who could rule! Anyone want to see President Kardashian make her royal decrees form the newly #redecorated oval office? The old government is gone, so long live the Madame President! Don’t forget to take the Buzzfeed quiz on your personality type based on which Kardashian you are envisioning as president.

4. Buy liquor on Sundays — All those formerly oppressed ex-citizens of the prudish states can now buy liquor on Sunday and drink it the same day. In fact, with federal currency out of commision, the old dollar bill is useless, so be ready to trade some weed or food scraps for those drops of liquid courage.

5. Turn all our nuclear bunkers into laser tag arenas — Since no one is using them anyway, what is the harm? It would be smart to put laminated “Do Not Touch” signs on most of the equipment with apocalyptic potential, but other than that, the renovation would take absolutely no effort. Bonus points on keeping everyone below the age of 15 busy so the adults can have the real party a few miles above on ground level.

6. Rewrite the Pledge of Allegiance — “I pledge allegiance to [fart noise]” for example. Imagine a thousand high schoolers performing the new pledge in an all-school assembly. Now that is liberty and justice for all.

7. Pour, like, a thousand gallons of Dawn Dish Soap in Niagara Falls — Everyone has to have thought about this at least once. The resulting foam would probably fill much of upstate New York! And the city of Buffalo would be the cleanest city on the planet.

8. Play “Battleship” with actual battleships — If no one is using them anyway, and there is no way they will be taken care of without billions of dollars in federal funding, this one is a given. Fun for the whole family!

9. Pick a new national anthem — Perhaps Smash Mouth’s “All Star” could play for our athletes when they win Olympic gold? Come to think of it, Ariana Grande’s “Thank U, Next” could be an emotional tribute to usher in the new era in the ashes of the old one. No? All right, looks like the theme song from “The Office” is going to play before every professional sports game.

10. Public Urination — Yeah, no one can stop you from entering a national park. But the bathrooms are closed indefinitely. Soooo…

Post Author: Brennen Gray