17 ways to technically honor “new year, new me”

1. Do more than half of load of laundry every 2 weeks.

2. Just say no to the homeless person asking for money rather than pretending you “don’t have any cash on you.”

3. Buy 2% milk instead of whole.

4. Call your grandmother, but at a time you know she’s probably asleep.

5. Hold the door open for people, even if they’re not attractive.

6. Fake your own death in a freak “forklift accident.” Lay low till after the funeral then get a new identity from that one kid in grade school you always knew was going to grow up shady. Promptly kill them. Move to a new city, somewhere small and near a coast. Grow or cut your hair and gain or lose some weight. Get used to being called Jordan.

7. Give a sizable, yet insignificant amount of money (like $50) to some charitable organization without doing any research into possible ethical violations the organization might have. Wear the T-shirt they give you at least once a week.

8. Buy your own Netflix.

9. Finally give back that nice pen you “borrowed” from your friend.

10. “Attempt” to solve a homework problem before looking it up in the solution manual.

11. Eat an apple… covered in caramel.

12. Purchase an overpriced article of edgy clothing. Wear it once then hide it in the back of your closet.

13. Go to the gym. Spend 40 minutes stretching then 10 minutes on the elliptical.

14. Only post actually funny memes into the group chat.

15. Wear something besides sweatpants to class, but only on Mondays.
Ok, every other Monday.

16. Quit drinking…. On Tuesday nights.

17. Stop looking up ways to pretend you’re improving yourself without actually making any significant changes.

Post Author: tucollegian

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