#3: Don’t let students park in the lots they paid for … ever

TU is already doing an amazing job of making student parking more complicated than it needs to be, but with some careful planning, all student vehicles could be off campus by 2021.

Listen, the University of Tulsa, I see you out there. I gotta say, I really like what you’re doing. Not letting students park in lots that they paid to park in on game days. It’s brilliant, it really is. I mean that completely genuinely. It’s the little things like this that really let us know that you are committed to making students’ lives more complicated than they need to be. And if you pocket a little extra cash in the process, that’s just a win-win.

I have to say, and it hurts but to do this because I admire you so much, but I have to say, from one totalitarian regime to another, you can do better. Students can still park in their paid-for lot, like, 98 percent of the time. You know what that is? That’s just complacency on your part.

“What more can we do?” you ask. Here’s what you do. Don’t let students park in the lots they paid for … ever.

Now you couldn’t just drop this change on the student population all at once. They would protest. No, just like a frog with its brain cut out, you got to boil these students slowly.

Start by increasing the number of Game Day scenarios. Start restricting parking for away games. People might think this is asinine at first, but honestly, who’s going to make all that big of a deal about it?

Next, start blocking off lots during intramural games. Because visitors really want to see a bunch of students play C-league softball.

Is someone, like, literally anyone, playing basketball at the Collin’s Fitness Center? If yes, then shut those lots down, baby!

Now, it goes without saying that the timing of these incremental changes has to be just right. I suggest that they each be made around midterms or finals. That way students are two busy bribing their teachers … I mean, studying … to really note the changes at all. When they final awake from their fugue state of exams, they’ll just accept the changes as normal.

At this point, parking lots will be blocked for a portion of almost every day of the week. Now you just start taking out entire days all together. You could start by saying no parking on Sundays, because God says it’s against the rules. At this point, just kick out Friday and Saturday, because who needs to drive on the weekends anyway. Keep knocking off days, each time providing some bullshit reasoning, until finally, voila! No student can park on campus ever! Isn’t it beautiful. So many spots open for all those rich alumni to come and watch our sports teams.

With a little hard work, and a lot of planning, we can completely remove all student cars from campus by 2021! Let’s go improve TU!

Post Author: Adam Lux