Artist’s rendition of a field of $1 bills. Graphic by Conner Maggio

#4: Replace all grass on campus with $1 bills to reduce water usage

To conserve water, we should just replace grass with cash.

Students have voiced their concerns for years now: our lawnspace is ridiculous. The university must spend at least a billion dollars on plant care, and students do not want their tuition to go toward a bunch of oxygen-producing leaves. Think about how much we would save if we just replaced all of that grass. I have not done any sort of research, but I am sure that it is a kind of high number.

We don’t need to use any actual grass on this campus — we just need to see our tuition in action. And by action, I mean that we want to see our actual money being shredded onto Chapman Commons. I could just google the amount of money that the university spends on water, but gosh, that is a lot of work, and it might be hard to find, so I’d better just not.

As a concerned TU citizen, I think that our water usage is exorbitantly high. We need to think about the environment and the effect of TU on our carbon footprint on our world. I am sure that grass is great for the environment or whatever, but I don’t think that it is that great. Granted I do not actually know what sort of steps TU has done to be more sustainable, and I will not take the time to google it, because it is probably in a lengthy PDF in some obscure part of one of the websites, and you know how hard that can be. I do not have time for that. I have to study.

Now students, we need to make sure that we do our due diligence on these matters, by calling on the university to be better and requiring that they change. To what? Eh, I’m not sure, but it is clear that there are other things which could be better. Maybe for, like, the environment or something. I don’t know, who picked me to be the spokesman?

I do not know anything about TU — they just kinda found me walking around here and offered me $10 to write an article at the last minute. I just live behind the Tennis center. I get woken up every morning by a sprinkler in my face, which is ridiculous and unfair. And the ground is always wet! How am I supposed to live like this? Also, I never have money for the vending machines. If the lawn was made of money, I could purchase some potato chips from a vending machine, and then I would not be so hungry. This is a surefire way to improve TU, because I would feel better, and you can’t spell “Hey, Mom, I am going to The University of Tulsa to live and get a degree, I swear” without “me.”

Post Author: Conner Maggio